I am sitting here on campus, having completed any studying and assignments I can do while I am here, and am slowly fading. I thought I had some caffeine tablets with me, but I don't. Yes, I usually prefer to get my coffee in pill form as the only kind of coffee I actually like these days is something called a "Vanilla Freeze" that I don't know the composition of and can't find on this campus.
It was a powdered mix to which was added a shot of expresso, crushed ice, possibly one other ingredient, and then the whole thing blended, topped with whipped cream and a touch of chocolate syrup. Rich? Yes. Yummy? Yes. And the zing it gave when I took econ late in the day was wonderful. That is what I need this moment to simply get through until 4:20PM. The class won't be over until 8PM.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Monday, September 29, 2003
Always thought provoking
whiskey river - no proof
All the recent entries are wonderful, but today's entry, this one, is about the "construction of who we believe we are".
All the recent entries are wonderful, but today's entry, this one, is about the "construction of who we believe we are".
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Typical
A regular sort of Sunday has evolved, with the usual laundry and a tiny taste of studying.
The assignment (to outline the first chapter of one of the texts) for the Sociology Writing Class is completed. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know before, although it was interesting to see someone else note that extreme structure in pre-work, in particular- formally, rigidly outlining the draft before writing it- can stifle creativity. I think this is a matter of individual thought processes, of brain organization, even though a great number of English professors seem to insist it is the only way to write effectively. I have always thought they were wrong. Seldom (or maybe never) is something the only effective way for everyone.
I have difficulty writing a rigid outline prior to writing a first draft of a paper. I do frequently use rough outlines that are combinations of notes, thoughts and phrases and sometimes look like a partial outline. They are usually a bit messy for someone else to follow, though they seem linear to me.
The assignment (to outline the first chapter of one of the texts) for the Sociology Writing Class is completed. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know before, although it was interesting to see someone else note that extreme structure in pre-work, in particular- formally, rigidly outlining the draft before writing it- can stifle creativity. I think this is a matter of individual thought processes, of brain organization, even though a great number of English professors seem to insist it is the only way to write effectively. I have always thought they were wrong. Seldom (or maybe never) is something the only effective way for everyone.
I have difficulty writing a rigid outline prior to writing a first draft of a paper. I do frequently use rough outlines that are combinations of notes, thoughts and phrases and sometimes look like a partial outline. They are usually a bit messy for someone else to follow, though they seem linear to me.
Saturday, September 27, 2003
This was an average Saturday, with chores, weekly restocking and the usual this and that. I didn't study, being out of the habit a bit. I will have to get into some sort of a routine or the ten week quarter will overwhelm me. I do have an assignment due for the soc writing class on Tuesday and of course reading.
I prefer living life as unscripted as possible, but none of the chore type stuff gets done until it absolutely must be when I leave everything unscheduled and unscripted, so the compromise is to have routines for a limited few crucial items that are required to make life flow easier the rest of the time. Laundry and weekly restocking are the crucial things and the ones most rigidly scheduled. The kitchen and studying come next, then everything else gets slotted into whatever time is left, usually as a 'catch as catch can' activity. Everyone does their own space, the guys also have to do "their" bathrooms and household trash removal, but I get left responsible for all the rest. I have to admit that vacuuming and dusting are low priorities, not because I don't like having them done, but because I dislike doing them.
on an entirely different note:
I found that the Clark- Leadership for America site with its National Conversation has been disbanded, but a group of the regular posters has created their own board for continuing conversations about policy, leadership and issues affecting the United States. This group were probably all interested in Clark, but there were folks from various political stripes participating previously. I am hoping the level of conversation remains the same. Intelligent, rational online conversation with a large group, that can disagree without flaming or being moderated to death, is difficult to find.
I prefer living life as unscripted as possible, but none of the chore type stuff gets done until it absolutely must be when I leave everything unscheduled and unscripted, so the compromise is to have routines for a limited few crucial items that are required to make life flow easier the rest of the time. Laundry and weekly restocking are the crucial things and the ones most rigidly scheduled. The kitchen and studying come next, then everything else gets slotted into whatever time is left, usually as a 'catch as catch can' activity. Everyone does their own space, the guys also have to do "their" bathrooms and household trash removal, but I get left responsible for all the rest. I have to admit that vacuuming and dusting are low priorities, not because I don't like having them done, but because I dislike doing them.
on an entirely different note:
I found that the Clark- Leadership for America site with its National Conversation has been disbanded, but a group of the regular posters has created their own board for continuing conversations about policy, leadership and issues affecting the United States. This group were probably all interested in Clark, but there were folks from various political stripes participating previously. I am hoping the level of conversation remains the same. Intelligent, rational online conversation with a large group, that can disagree without flaming or being moderated to death, is difficult to find.
Friday, September 26, 2003
First day of fall classes for me
First impressions of the new Fall quarter:
Writing for Sociology is going to be boring. The instructor thinks no one knows anything about anything and she could be right about over half of them. She spent a great deal of time on what she called the 8 steps to a research project- including defining things like hypothesis and how collecting the data is one of the last steps (duh!). And instead of being able to choose a research topic and design a project- survey, observational or experiment- she is going to "give" us a topic. I am so tired of undergrad classes that are classified as "upper division", but taught as if everyone there was a freshman and 18 years old. Looking around, there are at least 4 people in their thirties, several in their late twenties, about half in their early twenties, a sprinkling of 20 year olds and me - the one getting AARP invites.
I would like to somehow use my prior observational experiment that I did in psych, but I am sure it would get nixed. I didn't look for other research about it when I designed it. I set it up, pretty much like her "8 steps", but with a lot more detail and care about the design of the entire project including the data collecting sheets. I looked at sex, race and ethnicity, gender, group or alone status, noted partial behavior as well as extra effort and left room for short notes as needed. Though I didn't include them in the final numbers in conclusions, I also have the sex of the observers, day of the week, hour of the day, different areas of campus etc. I never did run the numbers to see if any of those had an effect. I don't know if within my non random sample of 100 that I would have had enough of the other variables to check. It is social-psych but could qualify. Sample was an "opportunity sample", not random, but I have seen other "A" papers for the soc class and they also used a similar sampling for observational stuff. I should have run the numbers on mine, through the stat program on campus and obtained all the good numbers and pretty charts, instead of the ones I had.
As it turned out I disproved my hypothesis, at least on a community college campus. It is one of those kinds of things I was sure someone else had studied, but I wanted to do mine without seeing how someone else did it. I should have gone back later to see how the "experts" did it, just for the extra knowledge. It was enough to gain my prof's respect. I wonder if I could do it again, only use this campus and see if there were differences? What could I improve on design? What other variables should I collect? Could I recruit the actors needed? hmmmm...
The other class is an overview of ten of the most used psych theories and is probably going to be pretty good, even if it will be a repeat of many things I have already had/heard/read. There is 'how to use', practical application stuff and case studies that should also be interesting. It is a mixed grad/undergrad group but there are two of my fellow rehab services folks who are in the class. There are two M/C tests, one paper and that one is heavily slanted with personal examination along with a best liked theory and why along with a few other questions to cover that are also personal in regards to the chosen theory.
An entry to the class sort of survey was given tonight, with question/statements and multiple choices that I was unable to say this or that is always true. She said there were no wrong answers, but to me, anyone who chose only one answer to most of them would probably not make a good therapist. Everything should be about what the client needs, not about what the therapist thinks would be good for the client or how the therapist thinks the client ought to live his/her life. I wound up writing my answers or selecting two or more with a reasoning statement instead of choosing only one answer on over 90% of them. She had said if we couldn't find an answer we liked that we could write. I was the next to the last person to finish, which probably isn't necessarily a good thing.
The instructor has the degree I was exploring. It is a PsyD, which is a psychology doctorate but instead of research and a dissertation it is intensively clinic/therapy focused. The future PsyDoc spends the time working with people and is perfect for someone who probably won't or doesn't want to do - research. I like the clinical experience aspect. My concern is that it is still considered a "new" type of degree and might not earn the same respect from some. The other drawback is potential discrimination in applying for teaching positions. Teaching is something I want to do part time, but I am not interested in the University tenure type positions. I simply want to work with students, not play the university career game. I talked to her a bit about it, and will talk some more. She has had no problems, but her first teaching jobs were here and her undergrad and maybe masters is from here. I also want to put out feelers to other PsyDocs, to see what their experiences have been with this.
It is a long day and it will be my Tues/Thurs schedule for the next ten weeks. I do have a Monday afternoon class. The only good thing is that if I can get my sleep schedule rearranged and my body to cooperate in returning to an early morning person, then I will have a couple of days a week off in addition to the weekend.
Already it is past midnight and though I am tired, I am still awake. This is not a good start to forming a new sleep pattern!
Writing for Sociology is going to be boring. The instructor thinks no one knows anything about anything and she could be right about over half of them. She spent a great deal of time on what she called the 8 steps to a research project- including defining things like hypothesis and how collecting the data is one of the last steps (duh!). And instead of being able to choose a research topic and design a project- survey, observational or experiment- she is going to "give" us a topic. I am so tired of undergrad classes that are classified as "upper division", but taught as if everyone there was a freshman and 18 years old. Looking around, there are at least 4 people in their thirties, several in their late twenties, about half in their early twenties, a sprinkling of 20 year olds and me - the one getting AARP invites.
I would like to somehow use my prior observational experiment that I did in psych, but I am sure it would get nixed. I didn't look for other research about it when I designed it. I set it up, pretty much like her "8 steps", but with a lot more detail and care about the design of the entire project including the data collecting sheets. I looked at sex, race and ethnicity, gender, group or alone status, noted partial behavior as well as extra effort and left room for short notes as needed. Though I didn't include them in the final numbers in conclusions, I also have the sex of the observers, day of the week, hour of the day, different areas of campus etc. I never did run the numbers to see if any of those had an effect. I don't know if within my non random sample of 100 that I would have had enough of the other variables to check. It is social-psych but could qualify. Sample was an "opportunity sample", not random, but I have seen other "A" papers for the soc class and they also used a similar sampling for observational stuff. I should have run the numbers on mine, through the stat program on campus and obtained all the good numbers and pretty charts, instead of the ones I had.
As it turned out I disproved my hypothesis, at least on a community college campus. It is one of those kinds of things I was sure someone else had studied, but I wanted to do mine without seeing how someone else did it. I should have gone back later to see how the "experts" did it, just for the extra knowledge. It was enough to gain my prof's respect. I wonder if I could do it again, only use this campus and see if there were differences? What could I improve on design? What other variables should I collect? Could I recruit the actors needed? hmmmm...
The other class is an overview of ten of the most used psych theories and is probably going to be pretty good, even if it will be a repeat of many things I have already had/heard/read. There is 'how to use', practical application stuff and case studies that should also be interesting. It is a mixed grad/undergrad group but there are two of my fellow rehab services folks who are in the class. There are two M/C tests, one paper and that one is heavily slanted with personal examination along with a best liked theory and why along with a few other questions to cover that are also personal in regards to the chosen theory.
An entry to the class sort of survey was given tonight, with question/statements and multiple choices that I was unable to say this or that is always true. She said there were no wrong answers, but to me, anyone who chose only one answer to most of them would probably not make a good therapist. Everything should be about what the client needs, not about what the therapist thinks would be good for the client or how the therapist thinks the client ought to live his/her life. I wound up writing my answers or selecting two or more with a reasoning statement instead of choosing only one answer on over 90% of them. She had said if we couldn't find an answer we liked that we could write. I was the next to the last person to finish, which probably isn't necessarily a good thing.
The instructor has the degree I was exploring. It is a PsyD, which is a psychology doctorate but instead of research and a dissertation it is intensively clinic/therapy focused. The future PsyDoc spends the time working with people and is perfect for someone who probably won't or doesn't want to do - research. I like the clinical experience aspect. My concern is that it is still considered a "new" type of degree and might not earn the same respect from some. The other drawback is potential discrimination in applying for teaching positions. Teaching is something I want to do part time, but I am not interested in the University tenure type positions. I simply want to work with students, not play the university career game. I talked to her a bit about it, and will talk some more. She has had no problems, but her first teaching jobs were here and her undergrad and maybe masters is from here. I also want to put out feelers to other PsyDocs, to see what their experiences have been with this.
It is a long day and it will be my Tues/Thurs schedule for the next ten weeks. I do have a Monday afternoon class. The only good thing is that if I can get my sleep schedule rearranged and my body to cooperate in returning to an early morning person, then I will have a couple of days a week off in addition to the weekend.
Already it is past midnight and though I am tired, I am still awake. This is not a good start to forming a new sleep pattern!
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Dave Winer's Test Site: What is friendship?
Dave Winer's Test Site: What is friendship?: "Friendship is not about always being nice, or agreeable, far from it. A friend will tell you when he or she thinks you're full of shit, but always casts it that way, never as a statement of fact. It's a fine but important distinction. If I say 'you're full of shit' to a friend, it must be understood that this is my opinion only. Further, it's more likely that he or she is not the one who's so full, it's more likely that I am. That's why I cringe when someone, in the name of friendship, says this to me. Usually they're wrong, but there's no point arguing, they're in some kind of trance, pedaling hard to avoid looking at something they desperately want to avoid."
The whole entry is worth reading and remembering. I know this on one level as it applies to counseling, but it is so easy to forget when examining self.
More: "At first it was totally irritating, then I figured it out. All the things I wanted my girlfriend to do, to be like, were actually things I wanted of myself, and of course were tapes I recorded in early life, before any glimmer of consciousness."
The whole entry is worth reading and remembering. I know this on one level as it applies to counseling, but it is so easy to forget when examining self.
More: "At first it was totally irritating, then I figured it out. All the things I wanted my girlfriend to do, to be like, were actually things I wanted of myself, and of course were tapes I recorded in early life, before any glimmer of consciousness."
hmmmm
Ventricular Septal Defects
Well as it turns out, though the heart symptoms that sent me to the specialists two years ago are probably not related, it seems I do have some mild problems as indicated by the echocardiogram then. One is a possible very small ventricular septal defect probably there since birth and the other (s?) is/are mild mitral and tricuspid regurgitation- ie. a little backflow from the valves. If only the cardiologist had returned my call back then, I would have gone to see the people when it was uppermost on my mind. Funny how I know everything there is to know about the other family members medical idiosyncrasies and very little about my own.
I dislike going to a doc for a physical because they always find all these other tests that they want. This time is no exception. I will spend the next few weeks going to various specialists, updating various tests, so that they can tell me that there is nothing to do about the little minor annoyances that occur as one's body begins to wear out a teeny bit.
Well as it turns out, though the heart symptoms that sent me to the specialists two years ago are probably not related, it seems I do have some mild problems as indicated by the echocardiogram then. One is a possible very small ventricular septal defect probably there since birth and the other (s?) is/are mild mitral and tricuspid regurgitation- ie. a little backflow from the valves. If only the cardiologist had returned my call back then, I would have gone to see the people when it was uppermost on my mind. Funny how I know everything there is to know about the other family members medical idiosyncrasies and very little about my own.
I dislike going to a doc for a physical because they always find all these other tests that they want. This time is no exception. I will spend the next few weeks going to various specialists, updating various tests, so that they can tell me that there is nothing to do about the little minor annoyances that occur as one's body begins to wear out a teeny bit.
Blown away
Reading news, science journal sites and reading the comments in the world of bloggers has taken up some time. I try to limit it to only an hour or two a day, but it can get a little addictive. I have created an "a list" of bloggers that are must reads and are an eclectic group. I am blown away by the amount of content and thought in the blogging world. The depth is amazing and I am a bit humbled. Some of them are linked in various posts in "Corner of Babble". Some are more worthy of mention than others, but I post as I find them and around every corner more cross my path.
Monday, September 22, 2003
And the week starts
I am starting the week with low energy. Maybe it is the reduced physical activity of the past few weeks that has contributed to this, or maybe it is the low mental energy that is combining with everything else... and that of course could be a symptom of an attitude problem for which the cure-- is to change the attitude.
Classes start this week. My first two are on Thursday, but it will be a long day. This whole schedule has good and bad aspects. It is better to think of the "half full" aspects of this.
I may head over to campus on Tuesday, the day before all classes start officially to check the financial aid office for lines and hopefully help and then the bookstore to see if I can get a list of books. There are much better/cheaper places to buy books if I can make an accurate list.
Classes start this week. My first two are on Thursday, but it will be a long day. This whole schedule has good and bad aspects. It is better to think of the "half full" aspects of this.
I may head over to campus on Tuesday, the day before all classes start officially to check the financial aid office for lines and hopefully help and then the bookstore to see if I can get a list of books. There are much better/cheaper places to buy books if I can make an accurate list.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
mini rant
Isn't/Wasn't there some kind of law that prohibits advertising on television to be broadcast louder than the programs? Aren't cable companies also responsible for this? Maybe all of that is a myth. My cable company certainly isn't complying; not only are the local ads about three clicks higher than the sound level of the regular programs, the national ads are at least two clicks above the level as well. It is all very annoying and it seems to have gotten worse since Comcast took over from AT&T Cable.
Other people's birthdays
Some people spend too much time focusing on the number of a birthday. Focusing on the number of years isn't of much value except perhaps to marvel at how one arrived at that particular number.
It isn't the number that matters, it is all about how you feel about it and if you are a glass half full or half empty kind of person.
It isn't the number that matters, it is all about how you feel about it and if you are a glass half full or half empty kind of person.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
so very late.. and not to sleep yet
So many good blogs.. I am on a roll.. good one to good one to good one to.... I have them listed all over the place, but mostly in unedited..
but it is 3AM and I must get some sleep. Tomorrow and the chores to be done, along with the fact that it is a family birthday that should be celebrated, will make me regret a bit this late hour when morning comes too early.
I want to share the things I found. I want to spend more time thinking about the new tangents these folks have provoked. I want to thank them with appropriate mention. I need to sleep- it overrides everything.
I am wishing for wind to feel and release thoughts in... and time to meditate on top of a windy hill.. I am restless for a variety of reasons. I am wishing for the ability to suspend time for just a little while to think about the things I want to think about.. and then to empty my mind of all of them..... and as long as I am wishing for things that aren't possible, I might as well wish to be Samantha from Bewitched in order to twitch my nose and finish all the mundane of the weekend without effort and quickly.
sleep is necessary now.
but it is 3AM and I must get some sleep. Tomorrow and the chores to be done, along with the fact that it is a family birthday that should be celebrated, will make me regret a bit this late hour when morning comes too early.
I want to share the things I found. I want to spend more time thinking about the new tangents these folks have provoked. I want to thank them with appropriate mention. I need to sleep- it overrides everything.
I am wishing for wind to feel and release thoughts in... and time to meditate on top of a windy hill.. I am restless for a variety of reasons. I am wishing for the ability to suspend time for just a little while to think about the things I want to think about.. and then to empty my mind of all of them..... and as long as I am wishing for things that aren't possible, I might as well wish to be Samantha from Bewitched in order to twitch my nose and finish all the mundane of the weekend without effort and quickly.
sleep is necessary now.
envious or wistful?
I wish I could find a voice of my own that sounded like this blog: John Husband's Wirearchy: Social Architecture for the Wired World.
Do I sound wistful? Probably.
Perhaps it is the types of article he links to and comments upon. They are all related really, in one way or another.
I think my interests wander too far and scatter in too many directions. I want to know everything about everything and hence the blogs tend to link and wander in every direction- like me?
Do I sound wistful? Probably.
Perhaps it is the types of article he links to and comments upon. They are all related really, in one way or another.
I think my interests wander too far and scatter in too many directions. I want to know everything about everything and hence the blogs tend to link and wander in every direction- like me?
Friday, September 19, 2003
Alone this evening
The guys are at the local HS football game tonight. Both have been watching some of the practices through the week. I wonder how it feels for the former starting HS quarterback to be in the stands? I guess he is used to it as this is the second year out of HS. He doesn't comment on that aspect, only on the coaches doing the same thing to the current quarterback (who he thinks is doing really well in his second year on varsity) that they did to him. The consensus is that the coach (who is a former quarterback of the same school) doesn't want his records broken.
B'day tomorrow and I don't have a gift, but will have a card in a bit and the cake is in the kitchen.
The computer is making noises that I fear are the hard drive. I backed up important info and am keeping my fingers crossed. It is only one year old but just now out of warranty! Stupid of me not to take out the extra warranty from Dell. They were calling me in the middle of the accident recovery stuff and I asked them to call back. I wish they had reminded me of how close the warranty period was to expiration.
I still haven't worked on the old one. I meant to...
B'day tomorrow and I don't have a gift, but will have a card in a bit and the cake is in the kitchen.
The computer is making noises that I fear are the hard drive. I backed up important info and am keeping my fingers crossed. It is only one year old but just now out of warranty! Stupid of me not to take out the extra warranty from Dell. They were calling me in the middle of the accident recovery stuff and I asked them to call back. I wish they had reminded me of how close the warranty period was to expiration.
I still haven't worked on the old one. I meant to...
more trouble than it is worth
This is too much trouble to do this way, so I may keep tangents as the totally mundane, put unedited back as the 'hold that thought to review later' area and post directly to corner of babble for the links and comments of the day.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
sigh...
I should remember to update this long before midnight.
I haven't heard from my sister in law and family who are in Maryland near the bay. Hopefully Isabele was weakened enough that they rode things out just fine.
I should have left the house today, ordered a birthday cake and shopped for a present for JT. I should plan a nice menu or figure out how to take him to dinner too. I wonder how he would respond if I did the exact same thing that he did for my birthday for the past many years?
I have procrastinated about everything for the last two weeks. This is no different.
I watched the new show, Threat Matrix, on ABC tonight. It may be a good show to continue to watch. I am not sure what might be on opposite when the rest of the season starts. It isn't realistic and I didn't check credits for any script advisors, but it was entertaining enough to catch my interest.
I haven't heard from my sister in law and family who are in Maryland near the bay. Hopefully Isabele was weakened enough that they rode things out just fine.
I should have left the house today, ordered a birthday cake and shopped for a present for JT. I should plan a nice menu or figure out how to take him to dinner too. I wonder how he would respond if I did the exact same thing that he did for my birthday for the past many years?
I have procrastinated about everything for the last two weeks. This is no different.
I watched the new show, Threat Matrix, on ABC tonight. It may be a good show to continue to watch. I am not sure what might be on opposite when the rest of the season starts. It isn't realistic and I didn't check credits for any script advisors, but it was entertaining enough to catch my interest.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Slip Sliding, Away...
with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel...
I found myself taking several breaks and spending over an hour at a time online reading news, articles and other people's blogs. It is addictive.
And the quarter break is going going very fast. I did many things today, but I seem to be spinning my wheels a lot, doing things that I thought I had "trained" everyone else to take care of... silly me.
I found myself taking several breaks and spending over an hour at a time online reading news, articles and other people's blogs. It is addictive.
And the quarter break is going going very fast. I did many things today, but I seem to be spinning my wheels a lot, doing things that I thought I had "trained" everyone else to take care of... silly me.
It's official!
America For Clark
Clark/04
At this early point in the election cycle, this is the person I see with the "right stuff".
Clark/04
At this early point in the election cycle, this is the person I see with the "right stuff".
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
A quote to consider
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose.
That is not a weakness, that is life"
don't laugh at the source...
quote is Piccard to Data. ST:TNG, "Peak Performance"
That is not a weakness, that is life"
don't laugh at the source...
quote is Piccard to Data. ST:TNG, "Peak Performance"
It was a day
As day's go it was ok and not. If I had to list it in a plus or minus column, it would go in the middle.
I did some telephoning and sorting of the medical bills from the boy's motorcycle accident and followed up with his union to make sure that payment and paperwork things are in progress, that various people had the right info, since legally he is responsible for himself- and tossed that ball back into the air for a couple of weeks. The only thing left to make certain is what percentage his insurance covers and also to be certain that the physical therapy is covered. For that, I will need to pour through a huge manual of coverage.
I found my financial aid stuff that should have been returned to CSU at the latest 3 weeks ago. Arrrrgggghhhhhh... I need that money for tuition and books- especially with the fee increases! (a hefty 39% increase!!).
Now it is in question and I have to call them, but of course I am not sure if I can reach anyone yet. I am hoping that the family emergency will give me some extra wiggle room on the paperwork since it was just a sig and not the original application.
In addition, I somehow didn't get the automatic grant from the state. I think maybe I didn't fill out new paperwork when I should have for that either. I DO have the federal paperwork filed, and that is the only thing CSU should be disbursing, so I should be ok even missing the signed stuff on the loan. However, they never sent me a loan check for summer, nor the state aid and I am wondering if that all got eaten up with fees?
It is top of the list tomorrow...
Since my mom was on my mind yesterday, she was on my mind again today as it is officially her birthday. Not so sad really, just a little touch of nostalgia.
I did some telephoning and sorting of the medical bills from the boy's motorcycle accident and followed up with his union to make sure that payment and paperwork things are in progress, that various people had the right info, since legally he is responsible for himself- and tossed that ball back into the air for a couple of weeks. The only thing left to make certain is what percentage his insurance covers and also to be certain that the physical therapy is covered. For that, I will need to pour through a huge manual of coverage.
I found my financial aid stuff that should have been returned to CSU at the latest 3 weeks ago. Arrrrgggghhhhhh... I need that money for tuition and books- especially with the fee increases! (a hefty 39% increase!!).
Now it is in question and I have to call them, but of course I am not sure if I can reach anyone yet. I am hoping that the family emergency will give me some extra wiggle room on the paperwork since it was just a sig and not the original application.
In addition, I somehow didn't get the automatic grant from the state. I think maybe I didn't fill out new paperwork when I should have for that either. I DO have the federal paperwork filed, and that is the only thing CSU should be disbursing, so I should be ok even missing the signed stuff on the loan. However, they never sent me a loan check for summer, nor the state aid and I am wondering if that all got eaten up with fees?
It is top of the list tomorrow...
Since my mom was on my mind yesterday, she was on my mind again today as it is officially her birthday. Not so sad really, just a little touch of nostalgia.
Monday, September 15, 2003
Mom, Robots and September 16
My mother crossed my mind today. Tomorrow would have been her birthday. In some respects it is odd that I remembered. Some years I have missed the connection to the date entirely, only to remember many days later. She died Valentine's Day a few months before my son was born, many years ago now.
I was websurfing today and stumbled upon a humanoid robotic project site at MIT. It reminded me of her desire to have a robot that she could command verbally to take care of the routine tasks of upkeep in a home. She would have been excited about the research they are doing. She would have been amazed at home computers and the internet. I can visualize the things she would do if she had lived to see it. It is funny how odd details in memory pop up like that.
It wasn't until later that I realized that tomorrow would have been her birthday.
She was barely a teenager when she had me and I was in my early thirties when she died. I was in the fog of pregnancy and felt her loss, yet somehow did not process it entirely until much later. The loss and grieving came in bits and pieces as I was busy learning the tasks and basking in the joys and terrors of being someone's mother.
There were days after my son was born that I would pick up the phone to call her to talk or ask a question or share some detail about motherhood- only to realize a second or so after having the receiver in my hand and just as I was about to dial the number I know by heart, that she wouldn't be at the other end of the line. It was still happening even a year or so later. It was always an eerie, hollow, lonely feeling when it did. A hole in my heart that most days I didn't realize was there.
I did that less and less as time went on. And then one September I forgot her day, and another... and then some years I would remember and some I would forget.
She never made it to the age I am now. She was a little fearful of aging and the different losses it can bring. She could not think of any pluses. I can. She helped me to be, to question, and to learn many things- most of them good. Included in those things is my desire to puzzle out human behavior, though I am sure she did not realize how she nurtured that one. But, there were also some lessons on how not to deal with life.
She was intelligent and capable, beautiful and clever. She was also insecure, though that was a part she thought she hid from the world. She thought that her worth and value came entirely from the approval and opinions of others and carried with her a fear that they would withdraw their approval. I don't know if she would have ever learned that it did not, that basing self worth on approval from others is a precarious place to look for value. We have to start with finding our own self worth. The approval from others comes after and sometimes it doesn't, but the world doesn't end either way. Perhaps it is enough now that her daughter did learn and does understand.
So this year I remember; I am glad she was born; I am glad she was my mother.
I was websurfing today and stumbled upon a humanoid robotic project site at MIT. It reminded me of her desire to have a robot that she could command verbally to take care of the routine tasks of upkeep in a home. She would have been excited about the research they are doing. She would have been amazed at home computers and the internet. I can visualize the things she would do if she had lived to see it. It is funny how odd details in memory pop up like that.
It wasn't until later that I realized that tomorrow would have been her birthday.
She was barely a teenager when she had me and I was in my early thirties when she died. I was in the fog of pregnancy and felt her loss, yet somehow did not process it entirely until much later. The loss and grieving came in bits and pieces as I was busy learning the tasks and basking in the joys and terrors of being someone's mother.
There were days after my son was born that I would pick up the phone to call her to talk or ask a question or share some detail about motherhood- only to realize a second or so after having the receiver in my hand and just as I was about to dial the number I know by heart, that she wouldn't be at the other end of the line. It was still happening even a year or so later. It was always an eerie, hollow, lonely feeling when it did. A hole in my heart that most days I didn't realize was there.
I did that less and less as time went on. And then one September I forgot her day, and another... and then some years I would remember and some I would forget.
She never made it to the age I am now. She was a little fearful of aging and the different losses it can bring. She could not think of any pluses. I can. She helped me to be, to question, and to learn many things- most of them good. Included in those things is my desire to puzzle out human behavior, though I am sure she did not realize how she nurtured that one. But, there were also some lessons on how not to deal with life.
She was intelligent and capable, beautiful and clever. She was also insecure, though that was a part she thought she hid from the world. She thought that her worth and value came entirely from the approval and opinions of others and carried with her a fear that they would withdraw their approval. I don't know if she would have ever learned that it did not, that basing self worth on approval from others is a precarious place to look for value. We have to start with finding our own self worth. The approval from others comes after and sometimes it doesn't, but the world doesn't end either way. Perhaps it is enough now that her daughter did learn and does understand.
So this year I remember; I am glad she was born; I am glad she was my mother.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
The Mostly Mundane
Activities and thoughts midday (02:57:08 PM):
Son is learning the art of routine weekly auto maintenance and needed/wanted his Dad to assist in air/oil check etc. Autos are different than motorcycles and he doesn't have a "jeff" for the car. He is still unsure about all the routine stuff.
Printer fixed- it needed cartridges even though old ones were showing at half full. I am glad I ordered them and glad it was that simple.
Laundry in progress- everyone's, everything.
And I will lose computer for a while this afternoon while son types paper for class.
I hate sharing my computer. I wish he had let me purchase one for him earlier in the year instead of waiting until December.
Night
So everything of a household chore nature is finished (or at least as much as I am doing today/tonight) and everyone is quiet upstairs, sleeping I presume. The paper got typed. I helped to format it a bit so I got to read it. Not bad. He knows what he doesn't like about corporate chains, but he is a bit vague on all the reasons why- even to himself. The night has cooled off. It is quite pleasant out.
The cable TV keeps going in and out. It has been that way all day. Calling the provider gets a message that they are having "problems in my area". I wonder if I had a cable internet connection if I would be without at this moment or if their problems are simply on the one system. They offer digital telephone, digital television, cable television and high speed internet. What if I was without all of it this moment? Maybe I would go out to look at the sky and enjoy the night air. Nah... I would be freaking out, because I am out of books to read and the night air and sky only interest me for a little while when I am all alone.
I owe several snail mail letters. I have a thank you note that is seriously overdue. I did send an email at the time. I can't find ink cartridges anywhere for my fountain pen and the old stuff is dried up. I should have just written it in regular ink. Now, in addition, I owe a letter to the guy who was in my program at CSU, who doesn't have a telephone or internet except when he is on campus.
He sent me the last issue of the campus newspaper and three papers he wrote. They were good, solid work- not extraordinary, but better than most. I had some questions about the location of his soc study though. I wondered what effect, if any, the location had on the behavior. I know he believes it to all be public- no distinction. But my question was curiosity about different public areas possibly affecting the appearance management behavior. Somehow it seems like places of departure might be different than say the street, or a restaurant or a park or even possibly the distinction between departure, in route and arrival might show different results. I found it interesting that he had to stop at least one observation when the "observee" noticed him and- he thought she thought -he might be flirting with her.
I owe him at least coffee too, for mailing me class notes just before the midterm this summer when I missed class due to my son's motorcycle accident. I have to figure out how to coordinate our schedules when the fall term begins.
I am tired. I think I will call it a day. I hope I can find energy tomorrow for everything I would like to do.
Son is learning the art of routine weekly auto maintenance and needed/wanted his Dad to assist in air/oil check etc. Autos are different than motorcycles and he doesn't have a "jeff" for the car. He is still unsure about all the routine stuff.
Printer fixed- it needed cartridges even though old ones were showing at half full. I am glad I ordered them and glad it was that simple.
Laundry in progress- everyone's, everything.
And I will lose computer for a while this afternoon while son types paper for class.
I hate sharing my computer. I wish he had let me purchase one for him earlier in the year instead of waiting until December.
Night
So everything of a household chore nature is finished (or at least as much as I am doing today/tonight) and everyone is quiet upstairs, sleeping I presume. The paper got typed. I helped to format it a bit so I got to read it. Not bad. He knows what he doesn't like about corporate chains, but he is a bit vague on all the reasons why- even to himself. The night has cooled off. It is quite pleasant out.
The cable TV keeps going in and out. It has been that way all day. Calling the provider gets a message that they are having "problems in my area". I wonder if I had a cable internet connection if I would be without at this moment or if their problems are simply on the one system. They offer digital telephone, digital television, cable television and high speed internet. What if I was without all of it this moment? Maybe I would go out to look at the sky and enjoy the night air. Nah... I would be freaking out, because I am out of books to read and the night air and sky only interest me for a little while when I am all alone.
I owe several snail mail letters. I have a thank you note that is seriously overdue. I did send an email at the time. I can't find ink cartridges anywhere for my fountain pen and the old stuff is dried up. I should have just written it in regular ink. Now, in addition, I owe a letter to the guy who was in my program at CSU, who doesn't have a telephone or internet except when he is on campus.
He sent me the last issue of the campus newspaper and three papers he wrote. They were good, solid work- not extraordinary, but better than most. I had some questions about the location of his soc study though. I wondered what effect, if any, the location had on the behavior. I know he believes it to all be public- no distinction. But my question was curiosity about different public areas possibly affecting the appearance management behavior. Somehow it seems like places of departure might be different than say the street, or a restaurant or a park or even possibly the distinction between departure, in route and arrival might show different results. I found it interesting that he had to stop at least one observation when the "observee" noticed him and- he thought she thought -he might be flirting with her.
I owe him at least coffee too, for mailing me class notes just before the midterm this summer when I missed class due to my son's motorcycle accident. I have to figure out how to coordinate our schedules when the fall term begins.
I am tired. I think I will call it a day. I hope I can find energy tomorrow for everything I would like to do.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
end of the day
It was a busy day with not much accomplished for self, but things accomplished to keep the household running reasonably for the next week. Tomorrow promises to be more of the same, but I am going to squeeze in some time working on my project.
Friday, September 12, 2003
Friday night late
All the good stuff went to Corner of Babble. It was a day of both laziness and some activity. In between I was on the internet of course.
I did stumble across a blog with content that made me want to read the archives to see what was said, so I have a promise to myself to go back later:
yeah whatever, by Dr Zen:
"Sometimes I find myself talking, talking. I'm playing out the role I have: my job, being a husband, a father. And I'm realizing that I have no desire to continue the talking that I'm doing. I feel helpless and utterly lonesome.
What do we do when the words are speaking us? "
I am not sure if I understand the author, but the words resonate on some level. I know the feeling of being the role, of being the persona instead of being a whole of many parts and simply showing the persona. And in those moments it is the persona that talks and because it is not all of us, but only part, and only one dimension- "the words are speaking us".... We know them by rote as if they were a character in a play. And no one seems to notice because they have their own expectations of how we will speak and how we will act and who we are.
The "cure" to the loneliness of that, is to remember that we are not the role, the role is only a part of a whole and we need to "be" fully in the moment. But someone named Dr Zen surely must know about being in the moment.
I did stumble across a blog with content that made me want to read the archives to see what was said, so I have a promise to myself to go back later:
yeah whatever, by Dr Zen:
"Sometimes I find myself talking, talking. I'm playing out the role I have: my job, being a husband, a father. And I'm realizing that I have no desire to continue the talking that I'm doing. I feel helpless and utterly lonesome.
What do we do when the words are speaking us? "
I am not sure if I understand the author, but the words resonate on some level. I know the feeling of being the role, of being the persona instead of being a whole of many parts and simply showing the persona. And in those moments it is the persona that talks and because it is not all of us, but only part, and only one dimension- "the words are speaking us".... We know them by rote as if they were a character in a play. And no one seems to notice because they have their own expectations of how we will speak and how we will act and who we are.
The "cure" to the loneliness of that, is to remember that we are not the role, the role is only a part of a whole and we need to "be" fully in the moment. But someone named Dr Zen surely must know about being in the moment.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Opinion
oh.. I forgot one thing- and I posted this on babble too...
Lengthy memorials for 9-11 should not be splashed all over the television year after year. Enough is enough. No one is likely to forget. It isn't necessary for the broadcast media to replay every detail and cover every annual memorial giving close-ups of those who are still grieving the most. I acknowledge their grief and pain, I have some residual shock of my own about that day. But it is our strength we should be working on displaying. A national moment of silence or something along those lines, would allow everyone who desired to participate, the ability to do so. Silence says so much more than words at times.
I would argue that a long grief filled *annual* memorial where people tell and relive their personal pain over and over while being watched by strangers all across the country and the world, is not healthy for those who participate nor those who watch, not beneficial for society at large and not good for our image elsewhere to those who proclaim themselves our enemy.
The only people this kind of public broadcast obsession benefits is politicians who get to trot out their ability to display compassion and the recruiters for the various groups lined up trying to harm us.
Lengthy memorials for 9-11 should not be splashed all over the television year after year. Enough is enough. No one is likely to forget. It isn't necessary for the broadcast media to replay every detail and cover every annual memorial giving close-ups of those who are still grieving the most. I acknowledge their grief and pain, I have some residual shock of my own about that day. But it is our strength we should be working on displaying. A national moment of silence or something along those lines, would allow everyone who desired to participate, the ability to do so. Silence says so much more than words at times.
I would argue that a long grief filled *annual* memorial where people tell and relive their personal pain over and over while being watched by strangers all across the country and the world, is not healthy for those who participate nor those who watch, not beneficial for society at large and not good for our image elsewhere to those who proclaim themselves our enemy.
The only people this kind of public broadcast obsession benefits is politicians who get to trot out their ability to display compassion and the recruiters for the various groups lined up trying to harm us.
disinclined
I have a headache, plus an odd, reoccuring, sharp pain in the top left side of my head that is a new experience, has been going on for about 40 minutes off and on, and I don't feel like writing much. The headache has been around all day and the excess of asprin and ibuprophen has messed up my stomach too. I hate feeling less than ok.
I prefer the old way where I journal/blog whatever I feel like in one spot. Unedited has everything sort of as it occurs or happens- if I am online and remember to post the tangent stuff too. There were things I intended to post, but most of them are lost now.
I think I need sleep and a new day. I am definitely feeling cranky with the pain.
I prefer the old way where I journal/blog whatever I feel like in one spot. Unedited has everything sort of as it occurs or happens- if I am online and remember to post the tangent stuff too. There were things I intended to post, but most of them are lost now.
I think I need sleep and a new day. I am definitely feeling cranky with the pain.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
The day flew, where are the visible results?
2:03AM posted on unedited: Why am I up reading and not asleep? Note to self, sunrise is only a few hours away. I also made a note to check The SAK Spectrum. I haven't been paying attention the way I should be. We need to find a few more people.
8:44 AM posted on unedited:
I love getting text messages, but folks in different time zones forget that we are GMT -8 here. I was asleep but the cell wakes me. It doesn't really matter since at about the same time, the new neighbors decided to either accidentally trigger their car alarm or honk their car horn repeatedly as well as shout at each other about leaving. Ok, I am pretty much fully awake now.
That described the start to my day around 8AM. But the rest of the day went ok. I decided to cancel the doctors appointment and reschedule when I can have a complete annual physical. I still need to make an eye exam appointment - actually two.
I did a teeny tiny bit more work on my room, but not really much to notice. I did some things that needed doing around the house. I hate cleaning up after everyone else, but someone has to do it. I also watched the season opener of Enterprise tonight. It was ok. T'Pol has a new wardrobe. I love sci fi - both space and fantasy stuff. I like it even when it isn't all that good (for instance Charmed). I am still watching reruns of Highlander even though I remember every episode by now. Speaking of fantasy stuff- where did the reruns of Forever Knight go? I haven't seen that in a long time.
I am feeling very lazy at this point today, so I am going to update corner of babble pretty much directly from the unedited page.. maybe even a straight copy and paste. Maybe I will even go to sleep early tonight.
yeah, right.
8:44 AM posted on unedited:
I love getting text messages, but folks in different time zones forget that we are GMT -8 here. I was asleep but the cell wakes me. It doesn't really matter since at about the same time, the new neighbors decided to either accidentally trigger their car alarm or honk their car horn repeatedly as well as shout at each other about leaving. Ok, I am pretty much fully awake now.
That described the start to my day around 8AM. But the rest of the day went ok. I decided to cancel the doctors appointment and reschedule when I can have a complete annual physical. I still need to make an eye exam appointment - actually two.
I did a teeny tiny bit more work on my room, but not really much to notice. I did some things that needed doing around the house. I hate cleaning up after everyone else, but someone has to do it. I also watched the season opener of Enterprise tonight. It was ok. T'Pol has a new wardrobe. I love sci fi - both space and fantasy stuff. I like it even when it isn't all that good (for instance Charmed). I am still watching reruns of Highlander even though I remember every episode by now. Speaking of fantasy stuff- where did the reruns of Forever Knight go? I haven't seen that in a long time.
I am feeling very lazy at this point today, so I am going to update corner of babble pretty much directly from the unedited page.. maybe even a straight copy and paste. Maybe I will even go to sleep early tonight.
yeah, right.
This is really a Tuesday post... lazy and slow
I woke this (Tuesday) morning feeling slow and sleepy. I didn't sleep well again last night and energy was a big problem along with a slight mental fogginess. The slightly fogged mental state continued for most of the day with only some moments of better clarity. I did a very tiny bit around the house and not really much on my own major project. I of course managed to send things to the unedited blog and a while ago posted to "corner" and now this one.
I did discover today that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow (thank goodness I noted it in the calendar with a reminder) and for the life of me, I couldn't remember why I made the appointment! It was made about three weeks ago. It must have been an annual physical sort of thing. What I really needed to do was to make an appointment for an eye exam! I don't know if I made the one thinking I was making the other or not. That is the sort of state my mind was in today.
I need to decide if I am going to tell anyone who knows me about the split of the 'corner of babble' blog and if I am going to put a link to my home pages on any of them or not. I did a search to see how well linked they are, and they aren't which has a plus side. This name has been my internet name for many years sometimes with the appendage of CA. These days there are lots of people who use it: a Swedish rock band, a character in stories and possibly role playing games, a role playing realm, a variety of businesses and some individuals who post on forums that I don't. It was strange seeing the listings. I didn't explore all 28,000 of them.
Time for sleep. It is after midnight and I intended to get both blogs updated before.
I did discover today that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow (thank goodness I noted it in the calendar with a reminder) and for the life of me, I couldn't remember why I made the appointment! It was made about three weeks ago. It must have been an annual physical sort of thing. What I really needed to do was to make an appointment for an eye exam! I don't know if I made the one thinking I was making the other or not. That is the sort of state my mind was in today.
I need to decide if I am going to tell anyone who knows me about the split of the 'corner of babble' blog and if I am going to put a link to my home pages on any of them or not. I did a search to see how well linked they are, and they aren't which has a plus side. This name has been my internet name for many years sometimes with the appendage of CA. These days there are lots of people who use it: a Swedish rock band, a character in stories and possibly role playing games, a role playing realm, a variety of businesses and some individuals who post on forums that I don't. It was strange seeing the listings. I didn't explore all 28,000 of them.
Time for sleep. It is after midnight and I intended to get both blogs updated before.
Monday, September 08, 2003
You were right and I didn't want to admit the failing. I *am* suffering from a severe case of procrastination. I am tired of deadlines and doing things in a scheduled manner, so in this two weeks off I am resisting getting into projects that I would like to complete before classes start again. And I am not doing many things that are for the ease and comfort of others either. I am basically not doing much and blaming it on anything else.
I know exactly too well, why the initial stuff of college should be completed when people are 18-23 years old. Unfortunately I realized yesterday that I have said that more than once to the same people including in laws. Perhaps I can call those senior moments.
I need to sort and pack up books temporarily and dive into the mess that is the room that I want to fix up. I have to go through the things in there with a strong will. I have to toss and remove things, not pack rat them away for a day that probably won't ever come. I want the room as my own. I want a place to retreat- to close the door and be alone when I need it, to work on my things, my crafts, studying, whatever -- my space. He has his, son has his, and I need mine. I think that part of me is afraid that when I do, that it is the final death knells of this life as it has been. And I don't know if that is good or bad.
There is only so much change I can easily deal with in my life at one time. Going back to college is the major one and the rest are day to day things. The room seems a minor thing, but in my mind it represents so much more...
It was very nice to talk to you via IM. It doesn't make up for things being the way they are, but it makes a difference. And I appreciate the attention that I have been given in the last two days. That too makes a difference.
I know exactly too well, why the initial stuff of college should be completed when people are 18-23 years old. Unfortunately I realized yesterday that I have said that more than once to the same people including in laws. Perhaps I can call those senior moments.
I need to sort and pack up books temporarily and dive into the mess that is the room that I want to fix up. I have to go through the things in there with a strong will. I have to toss and remove things, not pack rat them away for a day that probably won't ever come. I want the room as my own. I want a place to retreat- to close the door and be alone when I need it, to work on my things, my crafts, studying, whatever -- my space. He has his, son has his, and I need mine. I think that part of me is afraid that when I do, that it is the final death knells of this life as it has been. And I don't know if that is good or bad.
There is only so much change I can easily deal with in my life at one time. Going back to college is the major one and the rest are day to day things. The room seems a minor thing, but in my mind it represents so much more...
It was very nice to talk to you via IM. It doesn't make up for things being the way they are, but it makes a difference. And I appreciate the attention that I have been given in the last two days. That too makes a difference.
EXISTENTIAL PSYCHOLOGY---Joy is more than Happiness
".... Joy is not a feeling in response to a fortunate event. That is happiness; and it fades away as quickly as the happy situation passes. Joy is not a momentary response to love or sky or water. That is happiness; and it disappears when love is gone or the sky turns gray or the water hardens into ice. ...."
ah...yes, I remember now why I saved this link.
".... Joy is not a feeling in response to a fortunate event. That is happiness; and it fades away as quickly as the happy situation passes. Joy is not a momentary response to love or sky or water. That is happiness; and it disappears when love is gone or the sky turns gray or the water hardens into ice. ...."
ah...yes, I remember now why I saved this link.
The Psychology of Happiness: "'A good prediction of marital satisfaction was achieved from frequency of intercourse minus number of rows'". That leaves me in the minus column.
This is just a test of the Stormwind Personal Tangents system. In the event of a real blog entry you would be directed to read carefully for personal content. To repeat, this is just a test of the Stormwind Personal Tangents system. We now return you to your regular programming.
~~~
I created this blog to post the more personal entries. I attempted to cut from "corner of babble" and post to here changing the date and time, but it doesn't work. So I put those entries from Aug 16- Sept 5 on the tripod pages.
~~~
I created this blog to post the more personal entries. I attempted to cut from "corner of babble" and post to here changing the date and time, but it doesn't work. So I put those entries from Aug 16- Sept 5 on the tripod pages.
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