Friday, March 30, 2007

"wider than the sky"

Part One: Life


THE BRAIN is wider than the sky,
For, put them side by side,
The one the other will include
With ease, and you beside.

The brain is deeper than the sea,
For, hold them, blue to blue,
The one the other will absorb,
As sponges, buckets do.

The brain is just the weight of God,
For, lift them, pound for pound,
And they will differ, if they do,
As syllable from sound.

Emily Dickinson, Complete Poems

I stumbled across this and liked it. I have not fully explored the thoughts and meanings that come to me from her poem, but I believe it has no real connection to events and happenings of the moment... or perhaps it is that it evokes feelings or thoughts I wish to find in myself... or represents my need for escape into other thought... or perhaps any connections to the events of the moment do indeed "differ, if they do, as syllable from sound."

Monday, March 12, 2007

Stealing moments

"Man's heart, away from nature, becomes hard." Chief Standing Bear, Ponca Nation


Orange Sky

Some days the sunset is just a brief flash in my side and rear car windows on the way home, so when I do get to see one and really drink it in, it is all the more delightful.

There are photos piling up without much chance to look at them. I uploaded a sparing few to Flickr, and will hopefully have some more later. I am heading to Indiana on Thursday, so it could be a while... although, I'm hoping that when I get back, I can head out with hiking boots and camera, and catch a little early hint of spring.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Unconscious Mutterings Week 214

"I say ... and you think ... ?"
  1. Contribution :: charitable or political

  2. Ryan :: Meg

  3. Minimal :: effort

  4. Cleansed :: fresh start

  5. Centered :: calm and in the moment

  6. Arrow :: broken

  7. Beyond :: unseen ahead

  8. Execute :: tasks

  9. Intuition :: strong

  10. Apology :: given
Weekly word list found at   Unconscious Mutterings

Monday, March 05, 2007


"Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart" ~John Adams

"We can hold back neither the coming of the flowers nor the downward rush of the stream; sooner or later, everything comes to its fruition." ~Loy Ching-Yuen

There is that sense of the unseen layers, me watching me, experiencing the knowing. I knew my father is dying, but somehow some part of me didn't accept it. Maybe I still haven't really. But this layer of sadness is hovering closer to the surface. It feels different than when my mother was dying in 1984. With my mother there were too many things that needed saying that were left unsaid. I would have at least liked to have said goodbye.

I have tried not to let that happen with my father. Over the years, I said things as they came up; things I thought were important for him to hear.... such as my thanks for him choosing to be my father, for being there at different times that I really needed him to be when I was growing up. Unsaid, were any thoughts about the times that he was not there emotionally. I do remember, but long ago let any frustration or pain of those go as I accepted my parents as human after all. And now he is dying... three days, three weeks, three months.. more, less.. soon...

I cannot fix it or run away from it... or perhaps more accurate, this time I choose not to try to do either.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Unconscious Mutterings Week 213

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Nude :: sans coverings

  2. Support :: strength to lean on... hard to find

  3. Rachel:: the number one spot for this name in Google is  Ray; I've never seen any of her shows

  4. Crane :: Scarecrow

  5. Candy bar :: temptation when I'm tired

  6. Material :: woven, knit or crochet

  7. Mind games :: In my first thoughts about this phrase, I was completely ignoring  another definition... hmmmm, very telling.

  8. Eviction :: notice

  9. Produce :: grapes, kiwis, avocados, spinach, corn, carrots, tangelos

  10. Joke :: life

Weekly word list at Unconscious Mutterings

Saturday, March 03, 2007

"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."

I'm having trouble with forgiveness and rejecting a sense of injury... ...

Once again, my father's wife is the root of distress for my sister and because of that, for me. In this case, it is her children. There are children on both sides of this second marriage for my father. My mother died in 1984, the same year my son was born, leaving behind a husband and two grown married daughters. My father remarried a couple of years later to a woman named Barbara, who helped take care of my mother in her last months and divorced her own husband after my mother died. The new wife had three children- two daughters and a son, also all grown and in adult relationships.

Apparently, all of Barbara's children are representing themselves as my father's children to the medical staff at the various institutions, which would be somewhat flattering except that my sister and I have been left out of the discussions and in fact even "forgotten" to be put on lists of family with access and so forth. Recently, Barbara's son suggested to my father's doctors that my father be put into hospice care and no further treatment be given (a new tumor was discovered, which the doctor was suggesting be removed). This of course was a horrible shock to my sister when she heard it from the doctor, as was the doctor saying, "your brother suggested". My sis went ballistic.

But it doesn't end there. Barbara hadn't been told the extent of my father's illness, for whatever reason, she didn't understand the various treatments, why and what to expect. She was told the surgeon had gotten all the cancer, that no radiation or chemo would be required and that my father would get better and would return home, but that there would be new tumors later which they would also remover. They implied it would be no big deal to remove the new tumors as they arose. This is a version of the truth, but not the truth. My father has had several setbacks and the cancer was much more extensive than she was told. So my sister explained in simple details what she knew and what Barbara should be asking the doctors. Because it does now appear there were and are some treatment missteps, including things like not actually having an oncologist until a few days ago, and the surgeon supposedly being the lead doctor but not bringing anyone else in to assist with other medical issues as they arose in the recovery. It was upsetting to Barbara to hear some of the details she hadn't previously been told, of course, but it wasn't malicious on my sister's part. She needed Barbara to ask the questions and get my father involved in understanding what is going on- so they could make the tougher decisions about what happens next.

Keeping mind that my sister has stage 3 breast cancer which had spread to the lymph glands (and that may have spread elsewhere), who is recovering from a double mastectomy and hasn't yet been cleared to fly, let alone to even resume normal activities, she is doing pretty well. However, Barbara's daughter called her up and raked her over the coals for upsetting her mother, for not coming to see our father because my sister's "little medical thing" was just an excuse, not a good reason not to come and be by my father's side. She also made many statements about our father being the only grandfather her children had ever known.. and so on.. trying to establish her claim as one of my father's daughters perhaps? Or justifying her and her brother trying to shove my father off into hospice care without even a discussion with him or us??

Excuse me??!!! I am beyond angry.. white hot, cold steel, icy burning, deep anger... It isn't good. I tried to take the "bad guy" stuff on myself so that the wife and her family wouldn't create additional problems for my sister. It is the very least I could do to try to keep the heat from her. She takes these things to heart so much more deeply than I do (which is not to say that it all rolls easily off my back), and it isn't good for her recovery.

I feel they injured my sister and I want to let them know not to do that again. I am about to dive in with not revenge, but something to try to protect my sister. I don't think this is the end of insults and problems. I believe it is just the tip of the iceberg... And I don't understand why they don't understand about my sister, about how this didn't have to be family against other family, and about why we might be upset about them deciding things for my father without consulting my father or us (he isn't mentally incapacitated). And I can't believe this is turning into such a soap opera. It's disgusting on so many levels. But they're injuring my baby sister and sometimes I'm not a pacifist. I just haven't figured out exactly what to do next...