Friday, April 29, 2005

"You make a difference, every day."

Among other things in a very busy Thursday that included working with clients in the evening, was a luncheon to thank volunteers from the past year at the non-profit for which I work. I had 52 registered volunteer hours and 200+ that weren't.

My boss made a nice speech with kind words about me along with announcing to everyone that they had hired me since last year. (He repeated parts of this later with details to my faculty advisor because the quarterly meeting about my progress was today too). During the luncheon I was also given several very nice small gifts- among them a detailed pewter lapel pin in the shape of a starfish and pinned to a card with the words below. This is the second time in two weeks these words have been handed directly to me in different forms. I really like them and thought I would pass them along.

"Making a Difference"

An old man walked up a shore littered with thousands of starfish,
beached and dying after a storm.

A young man was picking them up and flinging them back into the ocean.

"Why do you bother?" the old man scoffed.
"You're not saving enough to make a difference."

The young man picked up another starfish and sent it spinning back to the water.

"Made a difference to that one," he said.

The note card ends with the words: "You make a difference, every day."

I can't change the world single handedly, but I can make a difference, one person, one moment at a time. So can you.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

"confidence follows mastery"

"... confidence *follows* mastery, it does not precede it.

If I can practice with anxiety, my competence will grow.

And as my competence begins to grow, my confidence--as day follows night--will grow as well."
~Ben Dean
From Ben Dean, Therapist As Coach newsletter;
Ben Dean, Ph.D, co-founder of Authentic Happiness, offshoot of
Authentic (Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D)

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


I stumbled upon a new blog with interesting original art and poetry;
Go check it out: Dryad Dance

teeny sample of a few lines from "Piper Play On":
I come here to empty
Piper Play on . . .
Wash away the remains of what has gone wrong
Scrub off clinging patches of dried, crusted dirt

Planning and information seeking for an additional goal

Tuesday night is my night on campus (one lecture class and one seminar), so I took advantage of the opportunity to talk to a fellow student who is shortly heading on to her doctorate in the field of rehabilitation. She usually has the best information and my advisor and head of the programs is her mentor, so she knows all the goings on connected with our office, all the associated degree programs and related fields on campus.

I now have some clues about who to connect with in which departments on our campus to pursue the assistive technology interest which include engineering and computer folks of course, but also occupational therapy and kinesiology. In addition there is another campus of CSU not far from me, that has an assistive technology certificate program that I might be able to use to replace an elective. I intend to do all the research on exactly what, talk to the various professors and then present the new plan to my advisor. I don't think I will be changing the dual option master of counseling goal, but rather substituting for two or three electives, one of which was an independent study.

Last year when I visited Rancho Los Amigos National Rehabilitation Center, I kept thinking about how many of the solutions to various problems were also applicable to an aging population. I must have been stirring this particular mix in my head since then.

The wheels are still mostly spinning in place, but they've found a tiny bit of traction and forward momentum has been put into play.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

"how the continents are made and broken"

I've run out of time today to flush out any why's, but in quickly checking my favorite blogs these two posts at Whiskey River both spoke to me hauntingly:

The Infirmament

Crow Is Walking

laughter- an essential ingredient..

He who laughs, lasts. ~Mary Poole from Belief Net Inspiration mailing

Monday, April 25, 2005

tech people's blogs and letting my mind wander.

I was reading a Firefox development person's blog and read about a new feature in development called "spatial navigation".

The conversation following the entry devolved into who developed what first and which alternative browser is better. I was sort of excited thinking about all the ways open source software would make it easier to develop adaptive software solutions to various problems people have in using computers and the internet -and here are all these folks in a "whose are bigger" contest instead of thinking about possible applications outside standard use.

One of the things I was thinking about was that it wouldn't require a complicated piece of hardware to connect to that particular solution and make arrow keys entirely functional for someone with limited use of hand movements or none at all.. and the thoughts came fast and furious about other things that might be easier to do if software (any/all) allowed minor tweaks- just like all the custom extensions folks build for Firefox right now. Add Thunderbird for mail to that mix and the two programs become a base for so many solutions to some of life's accessibility problems for folks with disabilities. It becomes a matter of customizing, not purchasing expensive software and hardware that has a steep learning curve. Best client fit and ease of use for individual clients is always the right solution.

And then it occurred to me, one of the areas that my interests and my degrees would converge would be to work in that field- adaptive hardware, software and computer training for people with disabilities. I can't create it (well, not professionally, though tinkering around with gadgetry, tearing things apart, repairing and creating new things, is something I have done all my life), but I know how to evaluate the various difficulties and client needs as well as how to explain adequately to an engineer (or I think I can explain, anyway). I would be a pretty good interface between clients and the folks who build things. I don't know why I didn't think about it before.

For a moment I was fairly excited about all the new possible ways to make computers and the internet useful for everyone regardless of physical and in some cases level of mental functioning. Now I need to start searching for places in LA that might be doing just that or could be with the right kind of enthusiastic person to stir some creative juices. I of course, would like to be able to find something to pay off my student loans and support a household, but that too could come in time.. I already see obstacles to the best beginning internship around for that- the price of gasoline is so high that I might not be able to afford to offer me for free if I had to drive any long distance. But it is something to think about and consider.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Unconscious Mutterings Week 116

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Detachment:: cool reasoning
  2. Regard:: consider, evaluate; have high regard for some..
  3. Community:: part of many, yet not fully... ...
  4. Strike three:: finished without positive result
  5. Congregation:: gathering
  6. Generous:: of spirit, of soul
  7. Pretention:: dislike the too hip for the room sorts; always preferred the unabashedly enthusiastic sorts who don't put down others so that they feel better..
  8. Pregnant:: pause...
  9. Drinking:: water
  10. Brilliance:: some spirits shine

Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Reply to "Thoughts, ideas and thoughts on ideas"

I stumbled upon a blog recently and added it to my blogroll, because it was the quickest way to find it again. I am not sure of the writer's age, but judging by his picture found elsewhere on his website, "young thoughtful adult" is the appendage I would apply if pressed.

The April 6 entry contains some interesting philosophical musings and the rest of this post is really in reply to that.

I believe you are right in that there is nothing we do or think that does not contain all the elements of where we have been, and all the things that make up who we might be in this moment. But I am not so sure that ideas exist without the thinker or thinkers. That thought and your others have shades of Plato's ideal forms, which in itself isn't entirely flawed, but without life and a thinker to think them - I believe that ideas and forms are naught.

Though the thought has occurred to me before, I don't believe that everything to be known already exists. Instead I think that each new generation of humans combines, adds to and expands the knowledge base that everyone else uses. We leapfrog on the backs of those who came before.

People cannot separate themselves from themselves, but only attempt to apply the clearest, logical thought processes to various "ideas", concepts and theories (I can't help it, Star Trek Vulcans come to mind). The more we know and understand ourselves and our 'programming', the more we can know how to apply the least amount of junk from our particular journey. But ideas will never be devoid our individual particular twists. Each thinker understands things from his/her own unique perspective.

Of course, in thinking on the ideas of others and following our own individually flavored process, we forever change who we are. And in like fashion, it is those unique twists of individual thought processes (made possible by our individual journeys) that change ideas and take knowledge to completely new places.

More on Platonic Forms found in a quick search.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Back to the sorts of things people seem to prefer reading here...

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. ~Charles Spurgeon
Love truth, but pardon error. ~Voltaire
I guess I have an answer to my indecision about revamping things to put 'everything' here and only minor links and notes on another page. My overall visits dropped significantly with my little political rant of last night. It could be the day of the week of course...

I sometimes feel so very split up into little parts of me scattered among different places, I thought to bring more pieces of me to at least one spot. I am not sure that this blog is the place, but perhaps I am not thinking about this in the right frame.

I never intended for this blog to have a particular theme (or piece of me) per se, but I guess it wound up with some general semblance of one anyway. Now if I can just figure out a way to define what that is (those are?) adequately to myself ... hmmmm... useful or not to define it/them? I don't know. I guess it depends on purpose. I don't know what that is either. some thinking to do I guess.

When are we going to send all those Republican's in DC, back home?

Short sighted, souls purchased for a handful of gold, illegitimate, son's of female dogs:
(Reuters story) House of Representatives Democrats on Wednesday criticized an $8 billion energy bill they said favored big oil companies and President Bush acknowledged the legislation would do nothing to immediately ease record gasoline prices. ...

...While the House bill offers no short-term price relief for motorists, it would immediately protect oil companies from some lawsuits over the water-polluting gasoline additive MTBE. ...

... The House bill would also allow oil drilling in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR). The House voted 231-200 against removing ANWR drilling from the chamber's energy bill during the House floor debate. ...

...In the Senate, a coalition of Republicans and Democrats opposes giving oil companies access to the Arctic refuge and has enough votes to filibuster an energy bill over the issue. ...
(emphasis mine)

I was going to post something else, saw this and got a little angry. If the Senate can filibuster, that's great if they can actually kill the passage, but if a few cave to what is bound to be pressure from the party and the oil companies....

What is it with Republicans on the environment and raping the planet for short term profit? I don't get it; they have children and grandchildren too. I am only mildly heartened that a few of them are joined with the Dems in opposition to this. It is ludicrous to offer oil companies relief from law suits connected with MTBE. And one of the most frustrating things about drilling in the Alaskan Preserve is that it is only a few years worth of oil and who knows how many thousands of years of damage. And they know that!

I don't understand why the money isn't all thrown into incentives for alternative energy. Nothing is going to reduce oil prices in the short term, so why aren't we passing bills that would actually serve to rid us of the dependence on oil entirely? Why aren't we at least giving the auto companies breaks so that they can retool to produce cheaper hybrid cars? That technology is available. Others could be quickly developed.

I have been expecting that with Gov Terminator in office that the moratorium on offshore drilling off the California coast will be under pressure. If there is enough incentive for him, it won't matter that the 9th circuit upheld our right to disapprove the leases.

Yes, yes, I have already turned from some of my pessimism to wondering who to flood with faxes and emails to join what are bound to be others of similar mind trying to make their voice heard. It does no good to sit here and gripe; action is required, even if it is only the equivalent of a whisper.

I am going to wade through the bill when I cool off a little bit more too:
H.R.6 : Energy Policy Act of 2005

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

some words from the day

6AM (where is the damn snooze button?)

Buzz, chime, chirp, rattle...
... groan;
a new day begins.


2PM (taking a break, and where is the sun?)

Grey morning fog chill
drifting into afternoon;
June gloom in April.


9PM (baby, it's cold outside)

Cold heavy air,
night seeps through the cracks
darkness thickens
and chokes purpose.

9:30PM (same old, same old)

Barest essential words concluded
She reads, they sleep;
Alone in a full house.

11:00PM (enough)

words draped over everything dripping meaning
on the edge of understanding is chaos
become nonsense
leaking out from my fingers


11:55PM (the sillies)

eyelids at half mast
ignoring leno on tv
not sure why I am still sitting here
instead of posting these


6Am was written at 8AM- I have trouble putting two words together at 6; the rest were scattered throughout the day and evening.. I am entirely uncertain as to why.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Such talented folks in the world..

Two posts from my blogroll folks to share tonight before I sleep; One is a piece of poetry I enjoyed and the other because it struck a personal chord within.

From Jay at Bird on the Moon: "Everyday, the Choir Sings Here"

From Sacred Ordinary: Loneliness Like A Shroud of Mist
It is as if she and also the author she quotes in the middle of the piece knew something of me... but with words far better than I might find..

Monday is a temporary change of schedule and I will be up and out early (of course I am up late as usual), but also home early which will be nice if I don't collapse on the couch. To sleep now, and hopefully to dream far ranging wonderful dreams.

Rumbling around in my head are snatches of Roberta Flack and "Killing me softly with his song"...

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Firefox update - 1.02 to 1.03

oh my, here we go again. The little icon at the top of Firefox is telling me there is a new critical update. I just barely "fixed" things broken from the last installation, which were not Firefox bugs per se, but nonetheless were related to updating from 1.01 to 1.02 (1.01 had its share of update problems as well, but they were in large part created by me assuming that an update would work the same way MS updates work). This time I didn't click the update icon (because it will start installation immediately upon finishing the download), instead downloaded 1.03 from the Mozilla/Firefox site, but haven't installed it yet.

I am reading the "sticky" in the Firefox support forum and the wording suggests that they have finally fixed the "update" to actually be what I consider an update- that is, it might be able to be installed over the 1.02 version. Do I risk it? hmmm... I don't see anyone posting yet that they have done anything other than a "clean install".

I really like Firefox and prefer it- update problems and all -over any other; it does suit the way I use the internet (as opposed to IE) without any tweaks, and customized, it rocks. BUT I really dislike retweaking everything (toolbars, extensions etc) and troubleshooting things with every update and the "clean install" is a pain in the tokhes (because I have to look up every detail each time; my memory refuses to hold this information). I think I will wait to install for Sunday later.. after some sleep, when my head is fresh and ready to spend the time to solve any potential problems- And after a lot more people have installed the update.

After sleep and reading more in the Firefox forum including this thread it seems some folks have installed by clicking the update arrow at the top of Firefox with zero problems, some have had multiple problems, and some are playing it cautious with a clean install. I think I will go the cautious route by backing up my profile to another location, uninstalling 1.02, cleaning the registry, then installing 1.03 and copying the profile to the new installation. This really seems tedious to do, but twice scalded with numerous hours spent fixing things makes me even more cautious than previously. I would rather spend one afternoon than several days. After I finish a few other things I will play with this. If it goes quick and painless, I will append this post later.

updated info 4/18/05: I still haven't installed 1.03; Most seem to have installed, even over the top of 1.02, with zero problems, but the scope of the various real* problems that some are having don't sound like things I am up to dealing with yet. I see in my stats that some folks have surfed in from a search for Firefox issues. I will provide more information when I install 1.03, which will be when I am finished reading the problems and fixes or fed up with reading. ;-)
*real versus forgetting to reset permissions to firewalls, create or save profiles, etc. etc. etc.

edited info 4/26/05: I forgot to update this post, but on the 19th I upgraded Firefox using the cautious, "clean install" method (see this forum post for my exact steps or the link in the main body of the post) without cleaning the registry this time. I have zero problems to report. In reading the support forums, I have noticed that many have been having "connection refused" and "page not found" problems, but in solving what I thought were the 1.02 issues (probably not specifically 1.02 per se), I installed a nice piece of software called Treewalk which is an alternative to using Domain Name Servers set by an ISP or even choosing my own. Since installing Treewalk, I have had no further problems with those issues either.

Unconscious Mutterings Week 115

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Great escape:: movie with Steve McQueen; my dream of a trip alone, bouncing place to place as the wind blows- with plenty of funds, blank journals, several books, a good camera and wireless notebook...
  2. Cluster:: migraines, grapes, things gathered in one place; and for some strange reason cluster-f**k comes to mind; I've seen a few and been caught in the middle of a few situations I might label that way.
  3. Wrong place, wrong time:: yes, sometimes
  4. Guided:: gently directed; guided meditations; guided dreaming
  5. Forensics:: use of science and technology to establish facts in a court of law; beyond the crime scene forensic folks there are forensic rehabilitation experts as well as forensic anthropologists, and probably many, many more
  6. Pros:: experts; in favor of; one side of a two sided list in many decisions ;-)
  7. Safety deposit box:: long ago gave up mine
  8. Quadrant:: one of four areas
  9. Precisely:: as it should be
  10. Who are you?:: oh my, I don't know how to answer that. This moment and next might be slightly different. It is easier to ask, who are you?
Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Amusing pictures and tiny notes of days end...

While randomly surfing, I wound up looking at these pics on a blog far afield from my normal wanderings. The inventions amused me and thought I would share. There really isn't more to say- just go have a look.
I have a client to see mid-morning. I have this narrowed down to giving up two Saturdays a month. It isn't that I want to give up my Saturday, and no one is insisting, but because of her schedule it is the only way to fit in the hours she needs.

This Saturday's main task is teaching her how to make a savings deposit (and running a few errands) and it will be interesting to me to see if her knowledge of making checking account deposits will generalize. She is exceptionally anxious about making a mistake and seldom does important new things without someone along to guide and reassure. For this particular client, I have recently reassessed her attention and anxiety levels for certain kinds of tasks and am readjusting little by little, my approach to guide her. So we will both be learning.

I finally got my prescription refilled, so with a mild chemical nudge, it will shortly be time for sleep.

later edit: I have some new readers and lest they think that I am a condescending sort, I should note that my clients are adults with developmental disabilities.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Unitarian Jihad: "Pockets of reasonableness and ..."

Jon Carroll in the San Francisco Chronicle via Bird on the Moon
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary. ... ... ...

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying... ... ...

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. ... ... ...

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
I've left out most of the best parts; Read it all at: SF Chronicle: Jon Carroll, 4/8/05

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Quotes for little musings..

Up later than I planned to be (as usual), I was sorting through my subscription inbox and found these quotes on different aspects of living and being :
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. ~Carl Rogers
What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. ~Albert Pike
In the end, scholarship is meaningful only when carried out for the sake of life. LIfe is the utmost importance. Scholarship without recourse to life is useless. Don't read books with a hasty mind. ~Nishida Kitaro
I am not sure why these three struck me in particular tonight, though I can hazard some guesses- the Rogers quote because it is Carl Rogers- no other reason is needed! The Pike quote perhaps because I do believe in large part it is in how we handle our relationships with others and what we give of ourselves that we find some of the keys to happiness and fulfilment. The Kitaro quote because being back in school, I find (still) too many professors who don't seem to realize learning and understanding aren't a matter of memorizing facts out of lectures and textbooks. And that last one (learning, understanding, books and "hasty minds") sends me on tangents I am too tired to write.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Genographic Project

National Geo, IBM Trace Human Migration Via Genes: "WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Indigenous people around the world will be asked to supply a cheek swab to help geneticists answer the question of how humanity spread from Africa, the National Geographic Society and IBM said on Wednesday.

They hope to sample 100,000 people or more and look for ancient clues buried in living DNA to calculate who came from where and when.

And for $100, anyone who wants to can supply his or her own cheek swab for a personalized analysis and perhaps to contribute to the research.

"We all came out of Africa, but how did we get to where we are today?" asked geneticist and anthropologist Spencer Wells.

"What we are aiming for is the story of everybody." ..."

They are going to look at Mitochondrial DNA, and try to check people on every continent. It sounds like an interesting and worthy project. With only partial indigenous bloodlines over several generations, I wouldn't qualify as "indigenous", but if I had a spare $100. I would send my sample to them. I would really like to know what they can definitively say about a mixed race, mixed ethnicity, 'ancestors from different continents', gal like me.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Maybe everyone?

"A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate. Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood." ~Leo Rosten (born on April 11, 1908, American comic author, 1908-1997)
I would suggest that every blog writer, no matter what they write about, does so for the same reasons.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Unconscious Mutterings Week 114

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Horrendous:: So many things, so many tragedies...
  2. Home video:: my baby's high school football games videotaped by his proud father to share with the other sports fanatic family members in other states
  3. What a girl wants:: heard a great list of things on Friday night from the Mom ( Mary Steenburgen) in answer to the question of "what does a girl want?" by her oldest son (Jason Ritter) in "Joan of Arcadia" (CBS), if only I could remember them...
  4. Grounded:: down to earth; stuck on the ground, unable to soar
  5. Trusting:: sometimes- too much, sometimes not enough
  6. Simplistic:: answers are everywhere, some are even good ones
  7. Buzz:: lots of conversation, gossip
  8. Balcony:: Juliet daydreaming
  9. Roar::Shambala Preserve -Roar Foundation in Southern California
  10. Hooker::John Lee Hooker, with audio clips, listen to more of his music at Vee-Jay Records (requires Real Player)
Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Shades of "The War of the Worlds"

My husband was telling me about a promo he saw for an upcoming movie on the Discovery channel and how it was based on someone's new research and could happen any time. He had some other things to say, but seemed concerned about this latest threat and wondered why someone wasn't "doing something". He mentioned how thousands of years ago something smaller than Yellowstone's area erupted and reduced humankind drastically.

I cautiously brought out my inner geek who knows a tiny bit or two about geology (a role -[geek, know a little, figure out a lot]- I am very cautious about playing, but is also sometimes solicited, as in this case), and explained a little of what I know about hot spots, calderas, Yellowstone and the like- sort of the  "Cliffs Notes"  version. I didn't say so directly, but suggested that I had a hard time believing that there was an immediate threat (yeah, I was eggwalking).

I also mentioned that though it would be horribly devastating in the modern world, we do have energy sources independent of the sun, and the ability to grow food without sunlight. Our whole focus would be on survival and finding new ways to do things (as an optimist, perhaps that world would pull together?). Who knows, we might even be able to figure out how to do some cleaning of the ash in the atmosphere and or speed up the natural cleansing process, if it were a real priority. Then again, I have no real feel for what that amount of ash might look like and what we would do with it, even if we could figure out how to get it to the ground without choking on it; maybe we wouldn't have any way to handle that (geek know a little, not a lot ;-) ).

The trouble with promos for a movie on the Discovery channel is that there are a lot of folks who might miss the fact that it is based on potential, not an actual immediate threat. With words like "based on the latest predictions of leading scientists" it is a little bit misleading. Then again, when did folks start considering movies as factual sources of information?

In their factual write-up about supervolcanoes and Yellowstone they say:
Though Yellowstone could erupt again someday, there is no evidence that the caldera is readying for another massive blast, says Smith. That outlook is shared by Jake Lowenstern, the U.S. Geological Survey's lead geologist at the Yellowstone Volcano Observatory.

Volcanologists with the U.S. Geological Survey believe that supervolcanoes are likely to give decades — even centuries — of warning signs before they erupt. The scientists think those signs would include lots of earthquakes, massive bulging of the land, an increase in small eruptions, "swarms" of earthquakes in specific areas, changes in the chemical composition of lavas from smaller eruptions, changes in gasses escaping the ground and, possibly, large-scale cracking of the land.

None of those indicators are present at Yellowstone, says Smith.
I haven't mentioned that to my husband yet, but Monday morning when he gets to work, he will find a link to the article in his email. The movie may still be exciting fare, though.

Supervolcano :  Discovery Channel promo and linked factual articles

"The War of the Worlds" 1937 Radio Broadcast Hoax

Thursday, April 07, 2005


Being a divorced woman in a not particularly well fitting second marriage (of almost 22 years which I know says many things in itself) and in some moments contemplating going through a divorce for a second time, I can relate to some of the various things that Lorianne said at Hoarded Ordinaries: Aftershock.

This part really got to me though:
After having spent too much energy of late apologizing for ways I'd unwittingly offended simply by being myself, I reached the same point in friendship that I'd ultimately reached in marriage.
I don't know where that line is. Over and over in relationships, I have found myself stepping on eggshells around others for things that I am in any one given moment or for things that I lack, apologizing for being or doing certain things. There is a need to do that to some extent with others- it is how we get along, it is how we are kind and thoughtful and gentle with others... but where is the line? Where is enough? Where is it that I am giving up too large a part of me? Or maybe I am trying too hard to hold on to too much of me????? questions.. always a ton of them...


It still amazes me from time to time that I have lived over five decades, or more than two score and ten, or half a century plus. When phrased that way, it sounds like the age of someone who should be more wise... or someone who has more answers than questions.

I know people who have all their answers. They don't like confronting or hearing of things that might contradict those answers; so maybe from the standpoint of open-mindedness, questions are better. ???

If there were a guidebook, a rulebook, a map of a well chosen path- would I use it ??? I have this vision of me stumbling upon such a thing and trying to test and reseach it in order to pick and choose the parts I liked the best.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Sunset from Campus 3

and a third from campus. I don't know what happened to my settings for pictures.. something else to play with later.. maybe when I get a new camera.. not that the photographer will be any better at 'getting' the same shots she is seeing. ;-) Posted by Hello

more from campus a week ago Posted by Hello

From campus a week or so ago towards the northwest about sunset.  Posted by Hello

Fantasy White House, politics, conventions...

Oh.. I am smiling. And yes, on this one night a week I almost always try to escape reality and lose myself in the fiction of one television drama. If you are somewhere outside the U.S., like, watch and haven't seen this season of the West Wing, don't read the rest; spoilers ahead..

If this had been the real Democratic convention, the mainstream media would have been in meltdown. Imagine them not knowing before hand who would win...
And of course Senator Santos (Jimmy Smits) had to be the nominee - honest, principled, "his own man".. that speech was great! Leo McGarry (John Spencer) was a nice choice for VP.

IRL I don't think we would ever see anything like that happening in the convention-- the actual best person for the job, the most principled person, winning the nomination; the candidate not decided before the delegates voted??? yeah, right.. But wouldn't that be something to see and so much better than this fiction of conventions we have now??

The countdown to the election next year with the Republican candidate Senator Vinick, played by Alan Alda, could/should be pretty good television. The actors are capable of delivering great performances. It is up to the writers now.

I do so prefer this fantasy White House and the characters to the real ones in D.C.

Back to reality...

Day ending (Tuesday)

"Dory: I suffer from short term memory loss. It runs in my family... At least I think it does... Where are they?" ~Finding Nemo

I spent time reading through 80 plus pages of Firefox forum posts about a couple of intermittent error messages I have been receiving from Firefox (connection refused and site/page not found; tried a fix over the weekend that seems to be working involving IPv6 versus IPv4 issues, but wanted to see other solutions), plus numerous references outside the forum about DNS server issues, only to forget which of the pages or which thread, the thing was on that I wanted to remember!!! I attempted this after ten pm on a full day that also included classes.

Think I will remember to bookmark a post I want to come back to next time? I probably won't.


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I don't recognize the dance

I have written a hundred letters or more, each one starts the same; dear beloved, cherished friend. Ok, so not exactly.. the beloved and cherished is implied. Do you know? do you remember that you once knew and felt that from me?

Sometimes I tell you of my confusion; sometimes I tell you about how much of a loss I feel with you so far away, behind so many walls and mazes I can't find you any more. Always I ask about you, wonder and tell you that I don't want to pry, but surely would like to know how you are... not superficially- really. Really, how are you?... you... the whole you...

Sometimes I try to explain the unexplainable, place labels on the un-label-able. I never wanted to take a piece of your soul, change you or make you into my vision. I only ever wanted to be your friend.. and I had hoped you would have wanted to continue to be mine. And maybe we still are, but it is so difficult to tell from outside the maze.

And when I pour out my heart onto the page, and sometimes after a few tears slide down my cheeks, I delete it. I can't share when you aren't. I can't tell you how I feel, can't go beyond the edges of superficiality. So the pink elephant stays in the room, ignored, but taking up all the space.

We could have continued to dance together, you and I... as true friends, real friends, 'let down your hair and be whoever you are this moment', friends. Oh, I can hear you now. "I don't dance".. but you forget, I know you can when you let down your hair and let go of the fear.

And in my total confusion and mixed metaphors, it occurs to me that maybe we still are dancing together- only I just don't recognize it yet.

Monday, April 04, 2005


Broken parts of the connection
and mostly silence
give rise to the feeling
I am an intruder
in your space; unwanted.
I hang back
unsure, confused
knowing it is my feeling
not necessarily your desire
but unable to move.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Spring Forward, Fall Back (Daylight Savings Time)

I don't care which the powers that be decide, but I surely wish they would choose one and be done with it. The older I get the more I dislike (intensely dislike and grumble about) moving the clocks around. I am not sure I ever adjust. Autumn changes are tolerable (gaining an hour works much better), but today I will be behind all day long and when midnight comes, it won't feel like midnight. I have enough trouble falling asleep at any reasonable hour without screwing with the hour the clock reads.

In Indiana where I spent my first twenty-eight years of life, they don't have to deal with this other than contacting folks in other time zones. You might think after slightly more than two decades here, I would be more adjusted or at least resigned to it.

Maybe the folks who rise early from sleep, fully awake and ready to go, have fewer problems and it is only those whose natural rhythms are skewed from the norm and trying to operate in a daytime world that runs on clock time, who suffer the most. Then again, maybe I am just whining.

OK, semi-annual rant concluded; back to more positive stuff. ;-)

Unconscious Mutterings Week 113

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Renewal:: Spring; so wonderful that it is really here and the worst of the rains seem to be gone for the moment.
  2. Someone to talk to:: ouch... too close to home to say much about, I think.
  3. Count:: on the fingers of one hand ...
  4. Expiration:: wonder when my driver's license expires?
  5. Upload:: documents, reports, attachments, pictures, graphics, pages
  6. Publish:: blog.
  7. Holy:: See
  8. Change in the air:: yes, can you taste, smell and feel it?
  9. Titillating:: tease, excite just a little
  10. Glorious:: sunrise, sunset, mountain air, mountain vistas, sea breezes, Santa Ana Winds... so many things
Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Don't know why I take these things...

I don't know if I am expecting some different result (different = one I don't agree with ;-) ) at which I would scoff and say 'nah, not me' or if I really expect insight from a simple little test with none of the necessary validity, reliability, etc. measurements, or at least not posted.... but this one seems more or less accurate. On an upbeat day I am likely to lean extrovert, talk to strangers in waiting situations, seem outgoing, be a starter upper rather than an observer; on other days, uhmmm well, I am not.

I suppose I am wasting time. The sun has set; the day's work (paid) and chores (wish someone would pay me for those!) are done - or at least all I am willing to do for today after a 6 am start.

You Are 50% Extrovert, 50% Introvert

You're a bit outgoing, a bit reserved

Like most people, you enjoy being social

But you also value the time you have alone

You have struck a good balance!

listen closely to the silence in between

"The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say." ~ Kahlil Gibran

Friday, April 01, 2005

"the body will take emergency measures ..."

From Sacred Ordinary
... I feel as though I am on the cusp of some significant life changes, though I am intuiting this--and though these changes are hazy, as though I am looking at my life through translucent organza, I know that I must face my demons, sift illusion from reality, and then visualize the changes before I can make them happen. I also know that when change nudges harder and harder to be heard and is not recognized, the body will take emergency measures to make sure the changes do happen. I'd rather take charge before life takes charge of me.

Can any of you resonate with this?
oh yeah...