Sunday, February 29, 2004

Unconscious Mutterings Week 56

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Hollywood:: romanticized low rent district. nice sign in the hills.
  2. Censor:: less than full disclosure.
  3. Nascar:: auto racing of course.. gears and speed, good ole boy, southern accents..
  4. Lube:: friction lowering solutions and potions
  5. Mortgage:: soul.. paid in full. deed is now mine.
  6. Freedom:: to just be and still be loved for all. No hiding- is soaring joy.
  7. Champion:: Knight in shining armor.. someone in my corner, me in his.
  8. Reality TV:: stick out tongue here= this is the most ridiculous waste of time that has come across the television in a long time.
  9. New York:: never been.
  10. Tease:: oh yes, often. ;-)

Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings

Saturday, February 28, 2004

almost haiku

night and morning
tangled into one whole

Breathe Slowly From the Center

Sometimes of late, I have found myself either having my breath taken away or holding my breath...
It might be something I read or heard, or someplace I am seeing, or some moment of insight or even all of them combined.

And the two reactions are quite opposite, yet so very related.

One is being taken by surprise by some feeling or depth of, or a vista of beauty and awe or some set of honest words or perfect music (or all of them) that touches the core, and momentarily stuns me.

The other is a sense of waiting, not quite putting the emotion on pause though aware of the desire to keep it from spilling over into some out of control opposite end and both reaction... but this is also from the depth of feeling for a vista of beauty and awe, or honest words that touch the core of me.

Mt. Wilson

Friday I took a little trip to the top of Mt. Wilson. I had intended to go there two weeks ago, but life got in the way. I haven't been up there in years, only passed by Mt. Wilson Road a few times. This time, though I was almost stopped before I started, I drove to the top only to find that Skyline Park was closed until spring. There isn't much room outside the gates to park a car (and of course signs threatening a fine if caught), but I parked anyway, and got out for a quick view from the side that faces Los Angeles.

From that vantage point, the city is far below and one can forget the hustle and bustle, traffic, and the incredible amount of people surrounding one, that life there can be. Though the overall size of the city has impact even in that small slice (trees and the parts of the mountain that jut out from where I was make the view less than panoramic), it is much easier in the cold air with its sweet crisp qualities, and the lack of city background noise, to see the magic and possibilities.

There was a family in another car, (risking the same fine) who had parked there to let their children frolic in the snow. They were taking pictures and it was a typical southern California sort of thing- everyone had on sweatshirts and athletic shoes, not coats, boots and gloves- to play in snow. I have seen pictures of people in summer clothes and sweatshirts doing this very thing. We Angeleno's are a strange lot at times.

I didn't stay long; the view that I wanted wasn't this narrow one and I couldn't see any of the view to the north where it is entirely the San Gabriel's stretched out for seemingly forever. I wanted to be part of that, and out of my car without too much worry of rangers and scolding. I also wasn't inclined to sharing space in any of those moments with strangers.

On the drive back down I stopped at vistas and turnouts that appealed to me, the city out of sight in all directions. Hiking alone was out of the question, and even with only the tiny amount of melting snow, probably more dangerous than usual, so I only visited this place and that, never far from the car. But, I got what I needed.

The mountains gave me what they always do- a sense of centeredness, an ability to think in everything and all without any stress and scattered-ness, a sorting out and acceptance of all that comes and where ever it leads-- and feelings I can reach that are like deep cleansing breaths when I close my eyes.

Friday, February 27, 2004


SpaceTramp- Mars Rocks!- play lists for the various teams "while driving around on Mars". Gave me a smile, and a little insight into the people.

leaving here now, for more quick errands down below in one of the valleys, but then back up higher- for air, for wind, for soul

Poetry Link.

Nice little collection here along with indexes set up in various fashion to find a half remembered one quickly: Representative Poetry Online.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Circular patterns.

Studies Suggest the Mind Makes, Breaks Its Misery "Brain research indicates that people are hard-wired for empathy, and that faith affects the experience of their own agony and that of others. By Robert Lee Hotz, Times Staff Writer.

Pain, like beauty, is in the mind's eye.

It is altered by empathy and tempered by faith, three new brain-imaging studies suggest.

The bewitching effect of belief can alter directly how strongly people feel pain, causing measurable changes in brain cells and synapses whether the torment is theirs or a loved one's.

The new findings, made public today by independent research teams at the University of Michigan, Princeton University, UCLA, and University College London, offer the strongest evidence yet of how the brain thinks about pain. ..."

Unfortunately for anyone wishing to read the rest of this article, The Los Angeles Times requires that one register (it is free). The studies look interesting, which is why I included the part about which universities so I can find them later. The Times article was mentioned in a Science newsletter I receive.

The description of the studies sends me off in various directions on a night when most everything that is uppermost in my thoughts can't really be written here. But the directions are only bounced from, not focused destinations, so I decided to write about the circles of thought.

It was an odd coincidence finding this article. I was trying to think of a new blog post, instead of finishing one of the many sitting in the file, and my mind was wandering mountains, hills, forests (thanks to Older and Growing and Brain Crayons); which sent me to thinking about the brain/body neurochemical/neurotransmitter connections and feedback loops described in "Molecules of Emotion", by Candice Pert, and elsewhere; which led me to thinking about the smile study briefly mentioned in several psych classes (researchers studied the neurotransmitters of people putting on fake smiles versus spontaneous ones- and found that smiling in any form, increases the exact same neurotransmitters - suggesting that putting on a smile, even when you aren't feeling like smiling will produce the exact same mood altering chemicals. Google terms: "fake smile neurotransmitter study", also think there may be one on fake laughter with same results).

And then I ran across this Times article- which was quite a roundabout journey demonstrating my inability or unwillingness to settle down and focus-- or the strange process in which I think.

These new studies would be likely be included in a review of the lit, if I were attempting to figure out a study about the brain/body/thought/feeling connection, including the reaction and connection to certain places.

We think of all of this as one directional at any one time instead of actually what it is- a multi-directional feedback loop- a system- and apparently not only is that body and mind, and I think (though not proven) places, but includes people who are close to us. It doesn't surprise me that the studies show this people connection, rather that it wasn't studied in this way long before now.

.... Which leads me to thinking about systems theory, which sends me to a long ago dropped conversation (or maybe just explored in different dimensions?) about patterns, connections and the like.. Which sends me pretty much back where I really started... !!

A week or two ago, I was headed up into the mountains for some of that quiet and sense of connection to source, but got sidetracked, so I never went. It becomes obvious I should have. I have an abundance of all the happy neurotransmitters, but I need the centering sort of places to put everything in some perspective.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

space to think.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." -- Sidney J. Harris

A friend sent me a link to this one quite some time ago (11/26/03) and it made quite an impact when it was sent:
A friend... is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. -Anonymous

Strangely enough, I already had it in my sig files and may have processed it as this on some subconscious level- the meaning is pretty much the same with only slight differences:
To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart,
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten.

Each version rings true.. as does the first quote.

edit 11:56PM- no, not sleeping yet, but should be. Someday I will have to find anonymous and thank her/him- there are certainly enough quotes all over the place attributed to that writer. ;-)
For now I will concentrate on the words and learning the song, and try to live so as not to have any of those regrets.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Monday Question.

There are likely public and private answers for this one...

4. Are you open to joy? Do you seek it out?
Do you examine it for traces of something else to negate it, or do you simply open yourself up to accept, experience and feel it in total?

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Unconscious Mutterings, Week 55

I say ... and you think ... ?

  1. Angel:: Know one
  2. Birth:: Son- After his and while holding him, one of the first truly authentic soaring joys that my soul felt and acknowledged.
  3. Logic:: to spare when it suits me.
  4. Stars:: Wish on falling ones; stand or lie on the mountaintop to see them; give the moon and stars as a gift if...
  5. Nursery:: rhymes and fairy tales
  6. View:: room with a. Brings to mind the phrase- gaze into.
  7. Hart:: ? hart? draws blank, run to dictionary- ah... European Male Red Deer after getting crown antlers. Yes, must have been a story or two that used that word for a particular stag or hunt for. My mind went to similar sounding heart- as in overflowing.
  8. Creation:: All of. In all of creation there is only one you.
  9. End:: Not yet. Not even. Early beginning.
  10. Fortune:: Measured not in money.

Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Started out in one place wound up in another.

There are words in my head today-- many, many words. There were words for my blogs, words for people at other blogs, and words for friends. There are still a dozen little essays sitting half finished in a file. Of course none of them were fully coherent and earlier I only wound up leaving one comment in one blog and even that one -inadequate.

I liked this post at Brain Crayons and could make my own list, except I don't think I could make it all public. NTexas, pick any number you would like and I will listen.

Postscript to that thought- she did and this is the result- some food for thought there. What I was going to write has suddenly changed to something that I feel that I should write, but am not sure if I am ready to post.

So I offer these comments:
I have often used the phrase 'Don't ask a question that you don't want the answer to', but sometimes I do give less than the full harsh truth. It depends on the question and the questioner. I don't think it is disrespectful to give the half truthful answer in certain moments. My particular journey doesn't require that I give the full travel guide to everyone who mentions the names of places I have only visited from the back streets or where I have visited both the beautiful touristy sights and the [harsh] back streets. I can say something about not seeing things from where they were, and give my acceptance and attention to their journey instead. I can even be very happy for them. It doesn't shut off future disclosure, but it doesn't mean it has to happen either.

Having lived, disclosed, discussed and dealt with most of those aspects of my own journey in a fully supportive environment, those truths now are more like faded photographs in an out of the way drawer. I know where they are and am truthful to self about them- I just don't feel the need to pull them out very often when there are so many more wondrous places I have been. But everyone is different and must deal with their particular back streets in the way that is best for them. Everyone must deal with questions that may require full honesty too- and sometimes that means telling harsh truths, even for me.

I ran across this inspiring but duplicate post (also posted 2/10/04) at Book of Life.

There are still times in my present that I hold back out of one of those fears. We always would like to know where things are headed before we go there, just in case there is pain involved or some huge loss that we might not be able to deal with. And though I do many of the things in my life without thinking about what other people think how other people will judge me, I do still on occasion have those thoughts and insecurities too. Usually though, the 'how will someone think/judge this', comes after the action. ;-)

Courage is often what is required to choose a road that is unfamiliar over one that is familiar and comfortable but not fulfilling. Listening to one's soul is still the best way to get to where we want to be. And it is exactly how I wound up back in school at my age pursuing degrees and a new life in single step at a time fashion. I intend to keep on pushing the limits of things that have held me back from living life as fully as possible, both within and externally. I deserve fulfillment just as much as anyone else and I am the only one that can take the steps to reach for it. I have done all the dutiful things; it is my turn now.

edited 22 Feb, 12:12PM

Friday, February 20, 2004

slowly breathe...

I am feeling a little scattered about today. The external presentation to the world of f2f has been markedly happy this past week, reflecting an increase in joy and happiness- a quiet sort of glowing and deeper reserve to draw from. There were moments of expression in appropriate places, that were allowed out and felt as pure joy- a high that is larger than could have been imagined.

Last night and today isn't in any stark contrast exactly, but it does have its moments of feeling a little like pieces of me flying about in slight disconnect.

There are blog posts sitting in partially written mode, but I don't seem able to complete them. The topics are disparate and reflect a mind that goes in hundreds of directions... perhaps that is the problem- too much all and everything and not enough focus?

It just seems so hard to focus this moment...

Maybe I should get back to the half written post that was going to talk about some of my particular forms of meditation.. only I should practice a little first, instead of just writing.

Sit comfortably. Count breaths slowly.. one... two... .. three... four... .. one... .. two... .. three... .. focus only on the count.. slowly.. no pressure.. no guilt at failing to count.. let that thought float on out- pass by.. seen floating by.. there but not caught, not examined.. and there is another.. see it pass by.. let it go.. ... one... ... two... ...three... ... four... ...

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

After rain, clear skies and clean air.

After my internship hours today, I didn't go to class because we had some real rain- the 'keep one's windshield wipers on high' kind. It is probably a curious thing to many, but driving in rain in Los Angeles is a real nightmare at night and in rush hours. Add that plus a full fledged rainfall to my night vision problems and it is much worse. The accident rate on the freeways quadruples. People drive too fast or too slow as if it were snow and ice falling or worse, that it doesn't require any caution at all. The freeways flood in places that one comes upon without any warning and with no way to get out of a lane if there was. The adrenoline and the stress involved for me during a drive like that is really high and going to class doesn't seem like a reason to risk my life. So I stay home at night when it rains, if at all possible. It doesn't happen that often. AND that of course, is part of the charm of Southern California- the rains of the beginning of the year seldom last more than 24 hours in one storm and the rest of the time are so infrequent as to be considered never. This is the land of sunshine after all.

Raining outside but not in

Overflowing joy
Love to give
Yours for the taking

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

and a Tuesday rushes by.

This is more like a holding post. I had some things to blog about, but they got a little lost and unfinished in the activities of the day. There were lots of things going on, none of them completely without their little twists, but all in all they got resolved and handled. I have registered for my classes for next quarter and I do have a meeting set up between my advisor and the internship site supervisor, which were probably the most nagging, twisting, turning things of the day to be done.

Classes next quarter will be another 120 hours of Internship, a Field Work Seminar about general issues in counseling related to the internship and dealing with clients of all types, Medical Factors in Rehabilitation, and Career Counseling- Job Development and Work Evaluation. Only two of those are heavy duty reading, papers, test type classes. So I am set. I think there are only four classes to go after that to finish this degree unless they find another hoop for me to jump through.

Sleep calls my name. The 6AM hour is not suited to this night owl.

Monday, February 16, 2004

Monday Question.

Not my original thought, but:

Which do you value more, the destination or the journey?

No rules; your choice- any kind of answer works; short, long, with reasons, no reasons.

This is one of those questions that doesn't have a black and white answer for me... the journey is most important to me most of the time, but some of the destinations are also important.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Unconscious Mutterings Week 54

I say ... and you think ... ?

  1. Dragon:: Magical creature with magical powers; Brings to mind romantic and magical themes. Tangents and tangents- far removed from the word
  2. Molecule:: Small parts. ... Every molecule of my being is...
  3. Tire:: Important to moving vehicles, seldom noticed by me until there is a problem. (aack: meant to check air in tires last week; Where is a knight when I need him?).
  4. Mighty:: Mouse- cartoon: "Here I come to save the day". Superheroes- Knights in disguise. More tangents.
  5. Octane:: Number- anti-knock indication that is given to gasoline- my vehicles always seem to require the medium number; But also slang- high octane- for a particular volitility and its effects.
  6. Troll:: Grubby disgusting creature; like Orcs? But also as in type of fishing, moving the lines along to see what one can attract.
  7. Atmosphere:: The planet's of course, but also mood/ tone/ vibe of the people in the room.
  8. Guide:: Gently direct
  9. Leash:: Restrain- occasionally necessary for untrained and trained domestic animals, too often figuratively applied to people, feelings and thoughts.
  10. Dustmite:: Yucky looking creatures, everywhere unseen but part of the ecosystem- overwhelming to folks with allergies.

Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Valentine's Day 2004

There are dozens of thoughts swirling around my head on this Valentine's Day. One very important one is to be sure to tell people who are important to you, that they are- not just on this day that seems rather forced and commercial, but on all days.

On this day twenty years ago, I got a phone call while I was dashing around trying to pack and confirm plane tickets to travel 2000 miles to be at my Mother's deathbed. I was a little over six months pregnant. The phone call was from my sister telling me that my Mother had died a few minutes before and that it had been peaceful. And so I didn't get to say goodbye and she never got to see her grandson. I have to trust that she knew her importance in my life, even though I didn't get to tell her that last time.

Red was her favorite color. There were moments of my youth that the living room was decorated with red - area rug, two chairs and two large ceramic accents which sounds like too much red but actually wasn't. She had red outfits that she loved to wear, down to matching lacy red undies, shoes, purses, and jewelry- not that she necessarily wore them all at once. She had an excellent sense of proportion and balance. There were hand blown glass paperweights and personal accessories tucked away here and there. Of course when you tell a child your favorite color, many of the gifts you get over the years will be that color -and we were no different. It was always a challenge to look for something new and unusual in her color. And she seemed genuinely delighted in our creative searches and the gifts we found. For us, anything that came in red, other than the absolute practical item, was a potential gift.

It feels right somehow, that she would die on a day associated with her favorite color- as if there is some design in the universe.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Recovery days.

The week behind has been one of incredible highs and smiles, but a slightly increased amount of stress with tests, classes, meetings, intern work, a growing deficit of adequate sleep plus a few immediate 'into the basement with my feelings' situations.

A day off with no deadlines and almost no absolute 'had to do's', a little more sleep with no alarm to wake me before I was finished dreaming, plus some more of those smiles that have touched each of my days, and I feel normal again- actually better than normal as there is an extra smile inside to carry around with me.

Oh there will still be next week and there are chapters to read, papers to write, classes to attend, meetings to arrange where I will be the topic of discussion (I also have to sit there and listen), and classes to register for so I can do all this fun stuff again in four more weeks. There are home chores and things breaking down and all the mundane things that never stop piling up. A tiny bit ahead there is paperwork to be filed for school money, entry application to graduate school, final exams, and arranging a second internship that meets the guidelines, then graduation petitions to be filed -and so on.

But right now, this minute, this moment in time and space- there is a perfect sort of joy that I am feeling. I want to hug the world. It is amazing what a loving and gentle friend and a little time off with only self to please can do.

What kindness did you show yourself today?

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Wisdom from an old television series

"A darkness carried in the heart, can not be cured by moving the body from one place to another."

"Understanding is a three edged sword: your side, their side, and the truth."

"The willow is deceptively strong. It bends, but it does not break. Its roots are deep and can withstand the worst storm. It promises rest, and shade, and cool breezes to those who would find rest beneath it. You have become my willow, and we have all found shelter in your kindness."

"We are all slaves to our histories. If there is to be a .. bright future, we must learn to break those chains."

"The universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are, it's the right place .. and the right time. Pain that sometimes comes is part of the process of constantly being born."

"The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements; energy, matter, and enlightened self interest"

From various episodes and characters of Babylon 5... I was looking for the one that went something like:
"A word created the universe. But you cannot have a word without a thought. And you cannot have a thought without language. So which came first... ?" Crystal Clouds Quotations- Babylon 5 Quotations

Edit: If you like quotations (also humor and poetry), you might want to wander around the rest of the Crystal Cloud site. There are a few that I haven't seen listed in some of the larger collections as well as many familiar ones, plus they also have a category of Star Trek quotes.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Santa Ana Winds.

Santa Ana winds were blowing here today and they added to my very upbeat mood. Santa Ana's are very dry, strong, gusty winds that come from the northeast high desert traveling in a southwesterly direction- through mountain passes and canyons outward towards the ocean. It was these kinds of winds that created the conditions for the massive fires in southern California last fall.

But when there is no fire, I love these winds that come and change the skies around Los Angeles, making things so crystal clear that you feel you could stand on a mountaintop and see forever. The sky swept of its debris, becomes an achingly beautiful crisp blue somewhere between the Crayola crayon colors of sky and cornflower blue. The summer and winter skies have different shades of this, but it is breathtaking. The winds themselves swirl around touching everything, sometimes with a caress and sometimes with force moving in many directions at once- capable of snapping branches, trees, power lines, moving trucks and cars into other lanes -letting everyone and everything know just who is more powerful that moment. Standing in them, one can resist being pushed and moved around, or one can give in, and simply enjoy the hot, warm and cool blasts, the gentle wisps, caresses and touches, the unpredictable dance that is this wind along with the mixed scents of everything touched along the way. They feel alive and have voice as well as presence.

I cannot stop the huge smiles on my face when I stand in these winds. I wonder where they have come from, who they touched and tried to speak to before they touched me, where they are going next and what scents and messages they will carry on to the next place and person ...and the next. I never fail to pause at least for a few moments, to take it all in- to listen, smell, see and simply feel.

Monday, February 09, 2004

Little Meme's and Monday Question

I really like the Generosity Game basic idea and feel that it is larger in possibilities than anything I could come up with... but I also like Unconscious Mutterings and that is just for fun.

I gave some thought to what sorts of little meme's I might come up with and the Monday question from Jan 26, sort of stayed in my head. So, I think I will post a Monday question for a while and see how it goes. Feedback on both the question and the concept would be appreciated.

Answers can be in sentences, lists, words- anything that it seems to draw from you. No real rules.

I will count this one as # 2.

What made your heart smile- today or this week? Did you also pass some of that feeling along?

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Unconscious Mutterings Week 53

I say ... and you think ... ?

  1. Identity:: Firmly yet flexibly self defined, blended with some ever changing measure of other defined.
  2. Reveal:: Lay bare; often vulnerable place.
  3. Live:: Fully, without regrets if possible; Be, Do, Feel, See as much light and truth as can be taken in; Forgive the darkness within and without; Freely give away as much light as possible.
  4. Attitude:: Generally optimistic realist... but not always; mostly resilient... trying to remember resilient and bendable, not breakable, no matter how it feels at any given moment
  5. Night:: Alone; occasionally lonely.
  6. Nevada:: Splashes of bright lights clustered together, interspersed by large expanses of emptiness..
  7. Weekend:: Relaxing defiantly amid the to do's
  8. Write:: Blog, journal, notes, lectures... Constant.
  9. Friend:: True, Deep. Sometimes deceptive label. Lost. Found. Lost. Found? Lost?
  10. Seventeen:: Flirting, dancing and bouncing with energy. The imp in me. ;-)

Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings

Thursday, February 05, 2004

There is no one way.

"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity." -- Christopher Morley

Think, Be, Live- outside the little boxes.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Quote of the Day and ...

"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment." -- Robert Benchley

Anyone know of any good Russian web sites with lots of pictures and/or sites with Russian music? One of the students I work with is a man who was born and raised in Moscow, who doesn't speak much English except when he is in school (Russian is still what they speak at home) and I am looking for ways to interest him using the internet. Any and all suggestions would be welcomed.

Now I am off to take a midterm in the laws class... I am sort of dreading it as I don't think I gave it the time I should have. Hopefully the professor will not demand too many dates and will give me enough prompts to remember various case laws.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Age as a Function of AARP Invites.

I used to say when someone asked my age that I was old enough to run for president. Sometimes these days when someone asks my age, I tell them I have had two AARP invitations. To begin with I can't always remember the exact number of years, it isn't something that comes up on a daily basis. I caught myself the other day saying I was a year younger than I was. But this has happened at prior moments in my life usually in mid-decade. I would stumble with first the decade, then would remember the decade, but not the exact number of other years. I used to laugh and if he was there, turn to ask my husband who would provide the correct number. I honestly think most recently it was simply that the number had just changed- sort of like writing the wrong year on things in January. But then we come back to stating my age as a function of how many AARP invites I have received.

Some people will know exactly how old I am with my last birthday from that mention. Others will not have a clue, or possibly assume a much older age. I don't mind those in the same age range knowing exactly, but to those younger, I have become a bit shy [defensive and ready to take a little offense] about what will come next when I state an exact age.

And before you say it, yes, I know the one about the number just being a number and the thing that counts is how I feel, think, act and how I function- and I believe it too. And I have heard the one about how I don't look that old and its variations and the moment of shock that registers in people's eyes. And that is just it; if someone much younger asks my age and I tell them, why do they feel shocked and suddenly feel the need to say something reassuring about it? Do they feel that I need reassuring? Or are they reassuring themselves? I am no different than the moment before when they didn't know. But in that moment things change.

There are times when in simply being part of a group where the rest are much younger, without being asked for a number, I am looked to for guidance as if I would automatically know what to do just on account of age. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, but almost always I don't mind admitting when I don't and asking the questions that it takes to find out. Asking questions and admitting I don't know is the easy part. And that is an advantage of this age- that most of the time I am not focused on what others are thinking of me. And honestly, I don't mind that part where they assume I should be in the group leader mode. It is nice to have "kids" conclude that I might be the one to look to for leadership. It is a nice change from the years that my son and presumably his cohort group felt that I was from "back in the day" and wouldn't know what they had to deal with in the now.

But there is a distinct other group that believes that my time has passed, that I have nothing to contribute, that my perspectives are useless because they couldn't possibly apply- that I am too old to have anything of value. There are times when there is an attempt to push me to the sidelines. I resent and resist that. I want to stamp my foot and demand that I be given the same chance to make a contribution. I can stand and fall on my own without someone stopping me before I begin -on account of a number.

Age discrimination is real and it is based on hearing the numbers and our resulting expectations about what that means. I have grown a bit defensive and I don't like that feeling one bit. I don't want to have to think about the "what others must think of me" questions. I have always believed that the young should be judged capable-not on age, but on their abilities, their quality of thought and the way they handle responsibilities. It is wrong to judge them on age; so then why is it ok for them to judge someone ... with two AARP invitations?

Monday, February 02, 2004

Rain, clouds and sun.

Sometimes you have to seek the sunshine... and sometimes it comes to you without looking for it..

Though I am grateful for all kinds of sunshine- today I am most grateful for the kind that came when all I could see were clouds.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 52

"I say ... and you think ... ?"

  1. Ignore:: refuse to see; fail to notice. Worse than ignoring, is indifference.
  2. Death:: Inevitable. End of growth in this consciousness.
  3. Missy:: Derogatory diminutive.
  4. Ballet:: Intricate combination of moves; emotion represented visually.
  5. Guest:: Privileged status; non-regular; unwelcome visitor.
  6. Campus:: Meeting place- for ideas, social activities, learning and growth. Often the grounds of the institutions of conformity while pretending to be the opposite.
  7. Lonely:: State of mind and quality of connection, not absence of company.
  8. Company:: Shared space.
  9. Helicopter:: Loud in the middle of the night.
  10. Sterile:: Devoid of depth, detail and emotion

Want to play? Go to Unconscious Mutterings