"Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible" ~Javier Pascual Salcedo
I am in University paperwork hell. A letter arrived last night saying I was "disenrolled" for the fall quarter (one week before final exams) for non payment of a $150.00 balance that shouldn't be there. Since I have a University Grant that covers tuition and fees, and a student loan that disburses an amount each quarter that covers other expenses and books after being run through the cashier's office for outstanding balances, this was a complete puzzle to me. Speaking to several different departments on the telephone, they and I have no idea why they only used a portion of the grant and decided to bill me for the rest.
So next week will be spent filling out forms for reinstatement, getting them to accept a payment from me (before reinstatement) and trying to figure out what went wrong with financial aid who says there is a form that I didn't submit. I am certain I did this in August and October, but they don't have the paperwork and of course, I didn't make any copies. I will submit all those various forms, and cross my fingers since I intend to give my final exam presentation on Wednesday evening. Arrggghhh.
Otherwise this has also been an up and down week. There have been lots of good days, laughter and smiles. I am meeting a new client next week and I have a glimmer of what my expanded job role may include in January. But the week has also contained some soul searching moments trying to figure out why certain things that are emotionally painful are the way they seem to be. Analyzing things isn't always the way to acceptance. Often, not analyzing is a better route.
I have been troubled by some lingering feelings from a relationship that feels like a heart wrenching loss when examined closely- the kind that leaves a huge aching hole that isn't likely to ever be filled. These are not new feelings for this particular relationship, but for so long- perhaps too long- I have been holding on to hope that at least a shadow of the friendship could be salvaged and refusing to deal with the feelings of loss. It is past time to accept my feelings as they are, mourn the loss and move on. If something changes later that would be great, but not dealing with what is now, is causing difficulties for me.
"When we come into the present, we begin to feel the life around us again, but we also encounter whatever we have been avoiding. We must have the courage to face whatever is present / our pain, our desires, our grief, our loss, our secret hopes our love / everything that moves us most deeply." ~Jack Kornfield