Friday, October 07, 2005

not according to plan

"You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination." ~Ralph Marston

Today was supposed to be a play day- a day off free of any obligations except a little errand running and mountain wandering.

A few months ago, I had a weird episode with my vision that scared me, but went away. Today when I woke the symptoms had returned, and as I was instructed to do if it happened again, I went to the ER. It took hours just to get to a room, then it took hours to see a doc and work through some of the tests. I kept feeling more and more emotional, tired, hungry (they did eventually feed me), and finally after an abnormal brain catscan, but ruling out tumor or stroke and admitting to the likelihood of the diagnosis I suspected when I walked in- I walked out, removing my own IV line and driving home (not sure how I am supposed to dispose of that now!!). I was tired of everything taking too long and just too frazzled physically and emotionally to deal with anything more. Home is where the lights don't flicker, the sound is soothing if I need or choose it to be and the people at least know me well enough on the surface.

I am a great advocate- y'all should want me on your side if you are in various situations including dealing with medical practitioners. I have a great deal of medical knowledge about basic anatomy and processes, biochemistry, diseases and conditions.

As an advocate, I am the calm questioner and interpreter, service seeker, supporter, cajoler, soother, feather smoother, mama lion, whatever is needed- but I am a terrible, terrible patient when I am alone. Emotionally, I felt better as soon as I came home and took charge of my own things (which is probably a clue to a great deal!). Anyway, I have an appointment now to see my own doc next week. The vision in that eye is better too (though still blurry). I even took some pictures right after sunset, though I had to use the LCD viewfinder alone.

Here is a peek at what I saw tonight. Watching the sunset and looking at the moon if it is around, has become important to me. I'd watch the sunrise too, but I am always up too late or go to sleep too early. wink pink

Last night's moon and star was better aligned, and I was able to get a closer pic of the two of them. I will put one of the shots on Flickr later.

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