Clues

"If life is just a stage, then we are all running around ad-libbing, with absolutely no clue what the plot is. Maybe that's why we don't know whether it's a comedy or tragedy." ~Bill Watterson

There are moments when I realize that I am searching for something, without knowing what it is or even having a clue about where to look. In some moments, it feels as if there is a huge piece of something missing from my life; in others it does not feel so huge, but rather something vague and nagging around the edges. Those vague moments are the ones that are more difficult to deal with and I feel as if there is something that I should or need to be doing about it.

More than once over the years I have written in private journals about that feeling- the general sense of searching and/or missing something that seems to have a need to be found. I had decided it was different things at different moments, but I think now that none of those were correct and that it has been the same thing- whatever that might be.

In some past moments, I have set off in a direction that I thought would offer up a clue or settle the feeling. Other times I have deliberately chosen to do something drastic to change the focus. Other times I have simply "sat" with the feeling and let it come and grow and finally dissipate. But it returns.

I hesitate this moment to use the "is that all there is?" question as the thing that is troubling me, because it doesn't really suit the way I think about life and living. But were I to probe deeper still, it wouldn't surprise me to find that the question was somehow a part of things.

I still don't know. And I still have the feeling and I think perhaps it is driving me somewhere. There is something else that I should do, something else I need to find, and/or something else that needs to be a part of whatever time I have left.

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