Saturday, February 21, 2004

Started out in one place wound up in another.

There are words in my head today-- many, many words. There were words for my blogs, words for people at other blogs, and words for friends. There are still a dozen little essays sitting half finished in a file. Of course none of them were fully coherent and earlier I only wound up leaving one comment in one blog and even that one -inadequate.

I liked this post at Brain Crayons and could make my own list, except I don't think I could make it all public. NTexas, pick any number you would like and I will listen.

Postscript to that thought- she did and this is the result- some food for thought there. What I was going to write has suddenly changed to something that I feel that I should write, but am not sure if I am ready to post.

So I offer these comments:
I have often used the phrase 'Don't ask a question that you don't want the answer to', but sometimes I do give less than the full harsh truth. It depends on the question and the questioner. I don't think it is disrespectful to give the half truthful answer in certain moments. My particular journey doesn't require that I give the full travel guide to everyone who mentions the names of places I have only visited from the back streets or where I have visited both the beautiful touristy sights and the [harsh] back streets. I can say something about not seeing things from where they were, and give my acceptance and attention to their journey instead. I can even be very happy for them. It doesn't shut off future disclosure, but it doesn't mean it has to happen either.

Having lived, disclosed, discussed and dealt with most of those aspects of my own journey in a fully supportive environment, those truths now are more like faded photographs in an out of the way drawer. I know where they are and am truthful to self about them- I just don't feel the need to pull them out very often when there are so many more wondrous places I have been. But everyone is different and must deal with their particular back streets in the way that is best for them. Everyone must deal with questions that may require full honesty too- and sometimes that means telling harsh truths, even for me.

I ran across this inspiring but duplicate post (also posted 2/10/04) at Book of Life.

There are still times in my present that I hold back out of one of those fears. We always would like to know where things are headed before we go there, just in case there is pain involved or some huge loss that we might not be able to deal with. And though I do many of the things in my life without thinking about what other people think how other people will judge me, I do still on occasion have those thoughts and insecurities too. Usually though, the 'how will someone think/judge this', comes after the action. ;-)

Courage is often what is required to choose a road that is unfamiliar over one that is familiar and comfortable but not fulfilling. Listening to one's soul is still the best way to get to where we want to be. And it is exactly how I wound up back in school at my age pursuing degrees and a new life in single step at a time fashion. I intend to keep on pushing the limits of things that have held me back from living life as fully as possible, both within and externally. I deserve fulfillment just as much as anyone else and I am the only one that can take the steps to reach for it. I have done all the dutiful things; it is my turn now.

edited 22 Feb, 12:12PM

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