Friday, October 31, 2003

Change and internal questions.

One of the many tangents that I was thinking about last night/early this morning was the fear of the unfamiliar and unknown that can factor into change- change of any sort, but in particular the big changes that we attempt to make in our lives and in our ways of thinking.

What will happen, what will other people think, what if it doesn't work out? What if I fail? What if I am wrong? Is this really my best direction, change, choice, path?

I have had and continue at times to have, trouble with some of those questions. My answers and reminders to self most of the time these days are: I don't know what will happen, no one does; I have to please myself first, and if it doesn't work out, I will try something else, some other direction, some other method. If I fail, I fail- and I will pick myself up and try again if it is important. I trust me to do what is best for me- there is no wrong in that scenario. There are outcomes that are more desirable than other outcomes, but if I am working from my own beliefs and not those of someone else's program, then there is no wrong.

If I don't try, and I don't make the attempt, then I am not living a life, but merely existing in it as if a place marker, or worse, existing in someone else's definition of a life. I accept that I create my own meaning and purpose. I accept that I am responsible for my own happiness and that I have choices in any situation.

Sometimes it is necessary to just turn off the questions and forge ahead. I have found myself in an overly analytical questioning mode (is this the best way for me, is there a better one, is this my choice or someone else's choice for me) that becomes a way of procrastination disguised as being introspective.

Over time I have found that in those moments, jumping in is a much better choice for me, than continuing to evaluate the water.

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