Friday, May 05, 2006

the attraction of needs

"Plant the seed of desire in your mind and it forms a nucleus with power to attract to itself everything needed for its fulfillment." ~Robert Collier

While I believe that to be true for some things, I mostly understood that sort of thought from the point of view that we make millions of minute by minute decisions based on the things we have decided we need, deserve and can achieve, that we perceive things based on our personal frame of reference (and all that entails), and that those two things give rise to the appearance of attraction (from a physics perspective). (oh, how very adult and logical that is, says the cool and calm voice inside; the one that requires touchable, hold it in my hand, see it with my eyes- proof; and how neglectful of all things Jungian and synchronistic.. or even Eastern.)

But why should that be so???? If every particle attracts every other particle (no matter with what force) and if everything is connected (because a part of me truly believes that is so, even as I question the depth), why wouldn't desire and thought be enough to create some sort of change in attraction? Because some part of me believes that it would be too magical for desire and belief to result in the concrete-actual-physical attraction of the needed things to self. (dangerous ground combining a monumentally insufficient knowledge of physics and systems theory, with the ecological, philosophical and spiritual- where I also have monumentally insufficient knowledge)

Yet, if we can but just find a place in our area quickly enough (that's likely the catch!), even at the outrageous price range that homes have become, magically we have the necessary funds to become owners with a more than adequate amount of equity. And in a flash instead of needing to move, we are deciding to move (or hoping we can do it quickly enough) because we don't want to purchase a fixer-upper (which defines this place). It seems like terribly frivolous behavior after all the previous fears.

Still facing my comprehensive exams (May 13) and thinking about scrambling to find a place, all that packing and lifting and sorting... and the "dues" necessary to seek the employment that would give me the most satisfaction (versus the the reasonably satisfying job I can seek right now) and the timing and location of each of those --- the road ahead isn't necessarily smooth... not yet anyway... or maybe never... (pessimist, pessimist, pessimist- a tiny voice in my head cries!! where did you surface from??)

Taking note of the above and wandering off on another tangent, or trip through the neurons, dendrites, and axons filling my brain, it is odd, but my normally very pessimistic spouse has been the cautiously optimistic one this time, while I have been internally full of panic and pessimism (only expressed a bit here) and outwardly trying to break things into one step at a time. Strange that first bit and possibly worth some examination, though the second seems a familiar trait- outwardly trying to cope and control.

The weight on my shoulders and heart lifts a tiny bit....

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