- Contribution :: charitable or political
- Ryan :: Meg
- Minimal :: effort
- Cleansed :: fresh start
- Centered :: calm and in the moment
- Arrow :: broken
- Beyond :: unseen ahead
- Execute :: tasks
- Intuition :: strong
- Apology :: given
#
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Unconscious Mutterings Week 214
"I say ... and you think ... ?"
#
#
Monday, March 05, 2007
watching
"Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart" ~John Adams
"We can hold back neither the coming of the flowers nor the downward rush of the stream; sooner or later, everything comes to its fruition." ~Loy Ching-Yuen
There is that sense of the unseen layers, me watching me, experiencing the knowing. I knew my father is dying, but somehow some part of me didn't accept it. Maybe I still haven't really. But this layer of sadness is hovering closer to the surface. It feels different than when my mother was dying in 1984. With my mother there were too many things that needed saying that were left unsaid. I would have at least liked to have said goodbye.
I have tried not to let that happen with my father. Over the years, I said things as they came up; things I thought were important for him to hear.... such as my thanks for him choosing to be my father, for being there at different times that I really needed him to be when I was growing up. Unsaid, were any thoughts about the times that he was not there emotionally. I do remember, but long ago let any frustration or pain of those go as I accepted my parents as human after all. And now he is dying... three days, three weeks, three months.. more, less.. soon...
I cannot fix it or run away from it... or perhaps more accurate, this time I choose not to try to do either.
#
"We can hold back neither the coming of the flowers nor the downward rush of the stream; sooner or later, everything comes to its fruition." ~Loy Ching-Yuen
There is that sense of the unseen layers, me watching me, experiencing the knowing. I knew my father is dying, but somehow some part of me didn't accept it. Maybe I still haven't really. But this layer of sadness is hovering closer to the surface. It feels different than when my mother was dying in 1984. With my mother there were too many things that needed saying that were left unsaid. I would have at least liked to have said goodbye.
I have tried not to let that happen with my father. Over the years, I said things as they came up; things I thought were important for him to hear.... such as my thanks for him choosing to be my father, for being there at different times that I really needed him to be when I was growing up. Unsaid, were any thoughts about the times that he was not there emotionally. I do remember, but long ago let any frustration or pain of those go as I accepted my parents as human after all. And now he is dying... three days, three weeks, three months.. more, less.. soon...
I cannot fix it or run away from it... or perhaps more accurate, this time I choose not to try to do either.
#
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Unconscious Mutterings Week 213
I say ... and you think ... ?
#
- Nude :: sans coverings
- Support :: strength to lean on... hard to find
- Rachel:: the number one spot for this name in Google is Ray; I've never seen any of her shows
- Crane :: Scarecrow
- Candy bar :: temptation when I'm tired
- Material :: woven, knit or crochet
- Mind games :: In my first thoughts about this phrase, I was completely ignoring another definition... hmmmm, very telling.
- Eviction :: notice
- Produce :: grapes, kiwis, avocados, spinach, corn, carrots, tangelos
- Joke :: life
#
Saturday, March 03, 2007
"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."
I'm having trouble with forgiveness and rejecting a sense of injury... ...
Once again, my father's wife is the root of distress for my sister and because of that, for me. In this case, it is her children. There are children on both sides of this second marriage for my father. My mother died in 1984, the same year my son was born, leaving behind a husband and two grown married daughters. My father remarried a couple of years later to a woman named Barbara, who helped take care of my mother in her last months and divorced her own husband after my mother died. The new wife had three children- two daughters and a son, also all grown and in adult relationships.
Apparently, all of Barbara's children are representing themselves as my father's children to the medical staff at the various institutions, which would be somewhat flattering except that my sister and I have been left out of the discussions and in fact even "forgotten" to be put on lists of family with access and so forth. Recently, Barbara's son suggested to my father's doctors that my father be put into hospice care and no further treatment be given (a new tumor was discovered, which the doctor was suggesting be removed). This of course was a horrible shock to my sister when she heard it from the doctor, as was the doctor saying, "your brother suggested". My sis went ballistic.
But it doesn't end there. Barbara hadn't been told the extent of my father's illness, for whatever reason, she didn't understand the various treatments, why and what to expect. She was told the surgeon had gotten all the cancer, that no radiation or chemo would be required and that my father would get better and would return home, but that there would be new tumors later which they would also remover. They implied it would be no big deal to remove the new tumors as they arose. This is a version of the truth, but not the truth. My father has had several setbacks and the cancer was much more extensive than she was told. So my sister explained in simple details what she knew and what Barbara should be asking the doctors. Because it does now appear there were and are some treatment missteps, including things like not actually having an oncologist until a few days ago, and the surgeon supposedly being the lead doctor but not bringing anyone else in to assist with other medical issues as they arose in the recovery. It was upsetting to Barbara to hear some of the details she hadn't previously been told, of course, but it wasn't malicious on my sister's part. She needed Barbara to ask the questions and get my father involved in understanding what is going on- so they could make the tougher decisions about what happens next.
Keeping mind that my sister has stage 3 breast cancer which had spread to the lymph glands (and that may have spread elsewhere), who is recovering from a double mastectomy and hasn't yet been cleared to fly, let alone to even resume normal activities, she is doing pretty well. However, Barbara's daughter called her up and raked her over the coals for upsetting her mother, for not coming to see our father because my sister's "little medical thing" was just an excuse, not a good reason not to come and be by my father's side. She also made many statements about our father being the only grandfather her children had ever known.. and so on.. trying to establish her claim as one of my father's daughters perhaps? Or justifying her and her brother trying to shove my father off into hospice care without even a discussion with him or us??
Excuse me??!!! I am beyond angry.. white hot, cold steel, icy burning, deep anger... It isn't good. I tried to take the "bad guy" stuff on myself so that the wife and her family wouldn't create additional problems for my sister. It is the very least I could do to try to keep the heat from her. She takes these things to heart so much more deeply than I do (which is not to say that it all rolls easily off my back), and it isn't good for her recovery.
I feel they injured my sister and I want to let them know not to do that again. I am about to dive in with not revenge, but something to try to protect my sister. I don't think this is the end of insults and problems. I believe it is just the tip of the iceberg... And I don't understand why they don't understand about my sister, about how this didn't have to be family against other family, and about why we might be upset about them deciding things for my father without consulting my father or us (he isn't mentally incapacitated). And I can't believe this is turning into such a soap opera. It's disgusting on so many levels. But they're injuring my baby sister and sometimes I'm not a pacifist. I just haven't figured out exactly what to do next...
#
I'm having trouble with forgiveness and rejecting a sense of injury... ...
Once again, my father's wife is the root of distress for my sister and because of that, for me. In this case, it is her children. There are children on both sides of this second marriage for my father. My mother died in 1984, the same year my son was born, leaving behind a husband and two grown married daughters. My father remarried a couple of years later to a woman named Barbara, who helped take care of my mother in her last months and divorced her own husband after my mother died. The new wife had three children- two daughters and a son, also all grown and in adult relationships.
Apparently, all of Barbara's children are representing themselves as my father's children to the medical staff at the various institutions, which would be somewhat flattering except that my sister and I have been left out of the discussions and in fact even "forgotten" to be put on lists of family with access and so forth. Recently, Barbara's son suggested to my father's doctors that my father be put into hospice care and no further treatment be given (a new tumor was discovered, which the doctor was suggesting be removed). This of course was a horrible shock to my sister when she heard it from the doctor, as was the doctor saying, "your brother suggested". My sis went ballistic.
But it doesn't end there. Barbara hadn't been told the extent of my father's illness, for whatever reason, she didn't understand the various treatments, why and what to expect. She was told the surgeon had gotten all the cancer, that no radiation or chemo would be required and that my father would get better and would return home, but that there would be new tumors later which they would also remover. They implied it would be no big deal to remove the new tumors as they arose. This is a version of the truth, but not the truth. My father has had several setbacks and the cancer was much more extensive than she was told. So my sister explained in simple details what she knew and what Barbara should be asking the doctors. Because it does now appear there were and are some treatment missteps, including things like not actually having an oncologist until a few days ago, and the surgeon supposedly being the lead doctor but not bringing anyone else in to assist with other medical issues as they arose in the recovery. It was upsetting to Barbara to hear some of the details she hadn't previously been told, of course, but it wasn't malicious on my sister's part. She needed Barbara to ask the questions and get my father involved in understanding what is going on- so they could make the tougher decisions about what happens next.
Keeping mind that my sister has stage 3 breast cancer which had spread to the lymph glands (and that may have spread elsewhere), who is recovering from a double mastectomy and hasn't yet been cleared to fly, let alone to even resume normal activities, she is doing pretty well. However, Barbara's daughter called her up and raked her over the coals for upsetting her mother, for not coming to see our father because my sister's "little medical thing" was just an excuse, not a good reason not to come and be by my father's side. She also made many statements about our father being the only grandfather her children had ever known.. and so on.. trying to establish her claim as one of my father's daughters perhaps? Or justifying her and her brother trying to shove my father off into hospice care without even a discussion with him or us??
Excuse me??!!! I am beyond angry.. white hot, cold steel, icy burning, deep anger... It isn't good. I tried to take the "bad guy" stuff on myself so that the wife and her family wouldn't create additional problems for my sister. It is the very least I could do to try to keep the heat from her. She takes these things to heart so much more deeply than I do (which is not to say that it all rolls easily off my back), and it isn't good for her recovery.
I feel they injured my sister and I want to let them know not to do that again. I am about to dive in with not revenge, but something to try to protect my sister. I don't think this is the end of insults and problems. I believe it is just the tip of the iceberg... And I don't understand why they don't understand about my sister, about how this didn't have to be family against other family, and about why we might be upset about them deciding things for my father without consulting my father or us (he isn't mentally incapacitated). And I can't believe this is turning into such a soap opera. It's disgusting on so many levels. But they're injuring my baby sister and sometimes I'm not a pacifist. I just haven't figured out exactly what to do next...
#
Monday, February 26, 2007
Unconscious Mutterings Week 212
I say ... and you think ... ?
#
- Soldier :: war injuries
- Lipton :: tea
- Reason:: rhyme, out of time
- Terms :: of endearment
- Positive :: thinking
- Example :: teaching guide
- Legacy :: what's yours? I'm afraid "they" will only say about me that 'she was a nice lady'...
- Solo :: act
- Instrument :: more frequently, mine is a computer... should be a guitar, a pencil, pastels, paper, a needlepoint needle, a crochet hook.... it's past time to dive back into using all of those
- Later :: yeah, it's way past my bedtime. Later.
#
Thursday, February 22, 2007
elucidation
"... and those are just the sites we know about. We don't know about the sites we don't know about."
~a guest whose name I didn't catch on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 , speaking about Iran's nuclear program
Listening to talking heads is just so illuminating.
#
~a guest whose name I didn't catch on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 , speaking about Iran's nuclear program
Listening to talking heads is just so illuminating.
#
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
still collecting pieces
"Some of us are lost and some of us are found. ... Some people don't have that many questions and lack that belly of fire when it comes to their encounters with the world. They're content in their predictable lives, where everything that lies before them is like a re-run of 'Jeopardy'. They already know the answers and how the game will end. They don't have the urge to travel or to ask the questions that boggle the mind: Who am I? Why am I here? Is this all there is? Instead there's a certainty about themselves and the world around them. They work. They go to church. They take care of their families. They know their beliefs are correct; they know that anything different is wrong or bad.
Others of us are lost. We're forever seeking. We torture ourselves with philosophies and ache to see the world. We question everything, even our own existence. We ask a lifetime of questions and are never satisfied with the answers because we don't recognize anyone as an authority to give them. We see life and the world as an enormous puzzle that we might one day solve, if only we collect enough pieces. The idea that we might never understand, that our questions might go unanswered until the day we die, almost never occurs to us.And when it does, it fills us with dread." ~Lisa Unger in 'Sliver of Truth' (novel; 2007, Shaye Areheart Books, N.Y.)
I don't know about the dread part.. Frankly, it has occurred to me time and again that there are no answers... or the answers will be ever elusive... or the questions aren't the right ones... or....
#
Others of us are lost. We're forever seeking. We torture ourselves with philosophies and ache to see the world. We question everything, even our own existence. We ask a lifetime of questions and are never satisfied with the answers because we don't recognize anyone as an authority to give them. We see life and the world as an enormous puzzle that we might one day solve, if only we collect enough pieces. The idea that we might never understand, that our questions might go unanswered until the day we die, almost never occurs to us.And when it does, it fills us with dread." ~Lisa Unger in 'Sliver of Truth' (novel; 2007, Shaye Areheart Books, N.Y.)
I don't know about the dread part.. Frankly, it has occurred to me time and again that there are no answers... or the answers will be ever elusive... or the questions aren't the right ones... or....
#
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Growth
I was flipping pages in More magazine (for women over 40) and ran across a quick bit entitled "Life's a Mess and Then You Fly" which was actually a quick review of a new book by Sara Davidson entitled Leap!.
The thing that caught my eye and made me think I ought to purchase the book (which was just released 2/20) was the reference to the title of chapter five:
"Change Is Gonna Come, or Another F---ing Opportunity for Growth"
yeah...
just insert the tiny wry smile here...
#
The thing that caught my eye and made me think I ought to purchase the book (which was just released 2/20) was the reference to the title of chapter five:
"Change Is Gonna Come, or Another F---ing Opportunity for Growth"
yeah...
just insert the tiny wry smile here...
#
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Abstinence and recovery
"Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."
Not really apropos of anything in particular, just something that struck my eye today, and sounded very true. Then again maybe it is apropos.
I said last month, that I would be back in a few days. I was of course, "back", in the sense that I traveled from California to Indiana and back again, but I didn't make it back to the blog. I kept tossing the words around in my head and into the private journal, but I couldn't find the words to write about any of it here.
I sometimes find it difficult to draw the lines clearly between sharing and being open and completely laying myself bare. When emotions are new and raw and I write them out for just anyone to pick over, the words are often something I cringe to see later. Reason, logic and rationality might be things I am entirely too prideful about (even in error about possessing!). Feeling as if it is one thing for anyone else to lay emotions of the moment bare and something else for me to do the same, is a double standard for which I haven't figured out the meaning.
Words, words, words....
a lot of words....
My father is making steps forward (literally and figuratively).. doing much, much better now that I tattled on his wife for continuously pushing his morphine pump instead of him handling the self medicating. Somehow she didn't see the connection between trying to keep him from feeling any amount of pain whatsoever, and his depressed breathing, inability to be weaned from the oxygen, dizziness, inability to walk and so on. When the doctor's heard about it, they stopped her immediately.
His vocal chords were paralyzed, either from the surgery or from the cancer, which strangely enough meant that he couldn't swallow. If he couldn't swallow it would mean the recovery from his extensive esophageal surgery would be very complicated. In the past few weeks since he has been off the massive amounts of morphine, he is slowly coming 'round. He is in a rehabilitation home (nursing home) now, and was able to swallow a bit of applesauce yesterday. He is walking several times a day on his own steam and working bit by bit on gaining strength. It doesn't sound like much, but the applesauce is a really, really huge deal. One of the things that going home requires is the ability to swallow.
My sister continues to heal too and every day she is a bit stronger. Chemo and radiation are in her future, but for now she gains strength, too.
I hope I've broken the spell of staying away and will be back here regularly. There is a balance. I've simply to claim it for my own.
#
Not really apropos of anything in particular, just something that struck my eye today, and sounded very true. Then again maybe it is apropos.
I said last month, that I would be back in a few days. I was of course, "back", in the sense that I traveled from California to Indiana and back again, but I didn't make it back to the blog. I kept tossing the words around in my head and into the private journal, but I couldn't find the words to write about any of it here.
I sometimes find it difficult to draw the lines clearly between sharing and being open and completely laying myself bare. When emotions are new and raw and I write them out for just anyone to pick over, the words are often something I cringe to see later. Reason, logic and rationality might be things I am entirely too prideful about (even in error about possessing!). Feeling as if it is one thing for anyone else to lay emotions of the moment bare and something else for me to do the same, is a double standard for which I haven't figured out the meaning.
Words, words, words....
a lot of words....
My father is making steps forward (literally and figuratively).. doing much, much better now that I tattled on his wife for continuously pushing his morphine pump instead of him handling the self medicating. Somehow she didn't see the connection between trying to keep him from feeling any amount of pain whatsoever, and his depressed breathing, inability to be weaned from the oxygen, dizziness, inability to walk and so on. When the doctor's heard about it, they stopped her immediately.
His vocal chords were paralyzed, either from the surgery or from the cancer, which strangely enough meant that he couldn't swallow. If he couldn't swallow it would mean the recovery from his extensive esophageal surgery would be very complicated. In the past few weeks since he has been off the massive amounts of morphine, he is slowly coming 'round. He is in a rehabilitation home (nursing home) now, and was able to swallow a bit of applesauce yesterday. He is walking several times a day on his own steam and working bit by bit on gaining strength. It doesn't sound like much, but the applesauce is a really, really huge deal. One of the things that going home requires is the ability to swallow.
My sister continues to heal too and every day she is a bit stronger. Chemo and radiation are in her future, but for now she gains strength, too.
I hope I've broken the spell of staying away and will be back here regularly. There is a balance. I've simply to claim it for my own.
#
Friday, February 02, 2007
"and the beat goes on..."
"Everyone needs to work. Even a lion cannot sleep, expecting a deer to enter his mouth." Hitopadesha (14th century India)
My office is full of brand new service coordinators working for one of six supervisors. Over half of the case workers have probably been around a year or less. A generous third have been working this job six months or less. There is a six month probationary period where one can be let go without the usual rounds of warnings.
On Wednesday, one of the ladies who was just about to complete her six months, was fired. She was a very, very, nice woman, who seemed to be handling her work well, and it was a huge shock to all of us new workers. There was quite a bit of fear and stunned whispering in the office yesterday afternoon. The mood was only slightly altered today. To everyone's credit, I've heard no bad gossip, only the whispered shock, worried about how she was going to manage and how she might be feeling, and who might be next, because no one can fathom what she did wrong.
There is a huge amount of paperwork and constant deadlines for this or that, some of it federal, some of it exposing the state to legal actions if it isn't completed in a "timely manner". We must handle phone calls, emergencies, vendor problems, consumer problems, regular visits to consumers and vendors... and paperwork documenting everything as well computer database case notes to ensure billable hours. There is probably an art to keeping the flow going and all the balls in the air, but I think one has to love the work to begin with. All of the new service coordinators that I've met are hard workers who seldom come out of their cubicles (I want to call them cubbies ;-) )except to travel to the printer, their supervisor, their hard case files or to head out to see consumer/clients and vendors (oh and the various trainings and office meetings). We nod at each other in passing and have minor conversations on the way to somewhere else - there just isn't a lot of time for socializing. It made the whispered conversations and expressions of quiet shock, stand out that much more.
My reaction to all of this was also one of shock and a touch of fear. I have a mostly closet case of insecurity that comes out into the light of day now and then. But being the fairly direct and honest type (and only because I needed his initials on some paperwork), I asked my supervisor: "Should I be worried about my job?" In the ensuing conversation, he said I didn't have to worry, that I was doing fine. I haven't decided if I really believe him.... which is what an unexpected coworker firing does to the folks left behind, I think.
##
My office is full of brand new service coordinators working for one of six supervisors. Over half of the case workers have probably been around a year or less. A generous third have been working this job six months or less. There is a six month probationary period where one can be let go without the usual rounds of warnings.
On Wednesday, one of the ladies who was just about to complete her six months, was fired. She was a very, very, nice woman, who seemed to be handling her work well, and it was a huge shock to all of us new workers. There was quite a bit of fear and stunned whispering in the office yesterday afternoon. The mood was only slightly altered today. To everyone's credit, I've heard no bad gossip, only the whispered shock, worried about how she was going to manage and how she might be feeling, and who might be next, because no one can fathom what she did wrong.
There is a huge amount of paperwork and constant deadlines for this or that, some of it federal, some of it exposing the state to legal actions if it isn't completed in a "timely manner". We must handle phone calls, emergencies, vendor problems, consumer problems, regular visits to consumers and vendors... and paperwork documenting everything as well computer database case notes to ensure billable hours. There is probably an art to keeping the flow going and all the balls in the air, but I think one has to love the work to begin with. All of the new service coordinators that I've met are hard workers who seldom come out of their cubicles (I want to call them cubbies ;-) )except to travel to the printer, their supervisor, their hard case files or to head out to see consumer/clients and vendors (oh and the various trainings and office meetings). We nod at each other in passing and have minor conversations on the way to somewhere else - there just isn't a lot of time for socializing. It made the whispered conversations and expressions of quiet shock, stand out that much more.
My reaction to all of this was also one of shock and a touch of fear. I have a mostly closet case of insecurity that comes out into the light of day now and then. But being the fairly direct and honest type (and only because I needed his initials on some paperwork), I asked my supervisor: "Should I be worried about my job?" In the ensuing conversation, he said I didn't have to worry, that I was doing fine. I haven't decided if I really believe him.... which is what an unexpected coworker firing does to the folks left behind, I think.
##
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)