Saturday, February 03, 2007

Abstinence and recovery

"Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."

Not really apropos of anything in particular, just something that struck my eye today, and sounded very true. Then again maybe it is apropos.

I said last month, that I would be back in a few days. I was of course, "back", in the sense that I traveled from California to Indiana and back again, but I didn't make it back to the blog. I kept tossing the words around in my head and into the private journal, but I couldn't find the words to write about any of it here.

I sometimes find it difficult to draw the lines clearly between sharing and being open and completely laying myself bare. When emotions are new and raw and I write them out for just anyone to pick over, the words are often something I cringe to see later. Reason, logic and rationality might be things I am entirely too prideful about (even in error about possessing!). Feeling as if it is one thing for anyone else to lay emotions of the moment bare and something else for me to do the same, is a double standard for which I haven't figured out the meaning.

Words, words, words....
a lot of words....

My father is making steps forward (literally and figuratively).. doing much, much better now that I tattled on his wife for continuously pushing his morphine pump instead of him handling the self medicating. Somehow she didn't see the connection between trying to keep him from feeling any amount of pain whatsoever, and his depressed breathing, inability to be weaned from the oxygen, dizziness, inability to walk and so on. When the doctor's heard about it, they stopped her immediately.

His vocal chords were paralyzed, either from the surgery or from the cancer, which strangely enough meant that he couldn't swallow. If he couldn't swallow it would mean the recovery from his extensive esophageal surgery would be very complicated. In the past few weeks since he has been off the massive amounts of morphine, he is slowly coming 'round. He is in a rehabilitation home (nursing home) now, and was able to swallow a bit of applesauce yesterday. He is walking several times a day on his own steam and working bit by bit on gaining strength. It doesn't sound like much, but the applesauce is a really, really huge deal. One of the things that going home requires is the ability to swallow.

My sister continues to heal too and every day she is a bit stronger. Chemo and radiation are in her future, but for now she gains strength, too.

I hope I've broken the spell of staying away and will be back here regularly. There is a balance. I've simply to claim it for my own.

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