Home again; finally finished for the day. There are case notes to flush out and little bits of paperwork to do, but I wanted a little time to myself. I took a little detour before going home- towards Tujunga Wash. The pictures are about a mile from home and I will post one or two of them below this (ie. first) if I can get NIS to play nice with the Hello program. I think I am going to create an album somewhere online- if so I will likely post a link to it somewhere.
With regular cameras even when I try to carefully set up a shot, I am one of those occasionally lucky photographers- I have a few pictures in my albums that are wonderful, but my usual best is only average. This tiny camera is pretty much impossible for me to deal with, but I keep making the attempt anyway. It doesn't really matter if I succeed or fail- it is fun to just play.
There was a period in my life where in front of others I would not show things I had done that were less than my critical eye judged fairly good or try new things that I might not be good at doing. I wouldn't have written a blog either. I didn't want to do or show anything that made me feel less capable and more incompetent than I already felt in so many areas of my life- and I just knew I would see some sort of negative judgment in the eyes of others, because that is how I felt about myself.
There were a lot of reasons that I traveled into that hole and it was a seemingly large change from the bravado and confidence I had displayed on the outside through my mid-thirties. It took many years to get any of that confidence back, only this time it was not a display for public consumption, but instead something I truly felt. I still have many occasions where I feel terribly unsure of myself- but I am less fearful of trying and failing at anything these days and less judgmental about what might constitute failure- for anyone, including me.
So taking these pictures and posting them no matter their quality- is a rather big change from the me that used to live here.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Tujunga Wash
Tujunga Wash- with only a tiny amount of water considering the amount of rain a week or so ago. This would be a pretty good time to pan for some gold. Weekend seekers do find a bit now and then.
Question, hope there are responses- need tech help
This weekend, I need to buy a cable/dsl home router/gateway to set up a network at home- wired not wireless. Both systems have ethernet cards and I have a nice new cable modem to hook into the network once it is set up.
I have looked at the reviews of a couple of Netgear and of Linksys home routers, but am still unsure as to which one to purchase. I want to be able to add additional computers (no more than 4 total likely) in the future, and I want ease of setup of course, with no huge amount of fussing with configuration if possible. I already have headaches from the Norton/Symantec product installed on both machines and am likely to run into problems just networking the two.
Any suggestions, anyone??? Please?
I welcome all assistance, even just sympathy for the task that is ahead- use the haloscan comments or email me at gmail- addy is in the sidebar.
Thank you in advance!!
I have looked at the reviews of a couple of Netgear and of Linksys home routers, but am still unsure as to which one to purchase. I want to be able to add additional computers (no more than 4 total likely) in the future, and I want ease of setup of course, with no huge amount of fussing with configuration if possible. I already have headaches from the Norton/Symantec product installed on both machines and am likely to run into problems just networking the two.
Any suggestions, anyone??? Please?
I welcome all assistance, even just sympathy for the task that is ahead- use the haloscan comments or email me at gmail- addy is in the sidebar.
Thank you in advance!!
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Signs 2
I meant to take time to actually compose and capture a variety of signs- weather, spring, time of day, traffic, the obliterations to the beautiful sky at sunset- but instead found myself without enough time to get out of my car and set up a nice shot this week. Besides which this was the last day for the topic at Photo Friday. So I snapped off a few from the car on the way home.
Postscript to previous
I think that one of the fundamental things that bothers me about Andy's post is the idea that we are "perfect and flawed", "sinners and saints" - at the core.
I disagree. I believe that we hold the capacity for all, that we can act in those ways, but at the core we are light and spirit. With some exceptions, I believe it is mostly a matter of self journey through the layers- including those of darkness and those of the lies we tell ourselves both about the light and the dark- to find spirit and source to connect to that central core of light.
We are not- any of us- inherently dark, bad and evil at the core. Those kind of judgments separate us from others and our humanity.
As the author he quoted says; ".. if you ride these monsters down, if you drop with them farther over the world's rim, you find what our sciences cannot locate or name, the substrate, the ocean or matrix or ether which buoys the rest, which gives goodness its power for good and evil its power for evil..."
Notice she did not say that that the substrate, ocean, matrix or ether contained the monsters and darkness. We must go through those layers to get to the most important parts of ourselves.
I disagree. I believe that we hold the capacity for all, that we can act in those ways, but at the core we are light and spirit. With some exceptions, I believe it is mostly a matter of self journey through the layers- including those of darkness and those of the lies we tell ourselves both about the light and the dark- to find spirit and source to connect to that central core of light.
We are not- any of us- inherently dark, bad and evil at the core. Those kind of judgments separate us from others and our humanity.
As the author he quoted says; ".. if you ride these monsters down, if you drop with them farther over the world's rim, you find what our sciences cannot locate or name, the substrate, the ocean or matrix or ether which buoys the rest, which gives goodness its power for good and evil its power for evil..."
Notice she did not say that that the substrate, ocean, matrix or ether contained the monsters and darkness. We must go through those layers to get to the most important parts of ourselves.
Accept and forgive without punishment
I have read Andy's post over and over. There are aspects that bother me which I can't quite put my finger on. I will give it a go here for some of it, but having a lot of fires to put out this day will likely make this incomplete and very possibly unclear. It seems to me I have written something on this once before.
I agree with the two authors he quotes and unlike him, have found similar material time and again in the writings of various psychologists- namely that we must confront and accept fully that the dark sides, the bad things we have done or thought, the whole gamut of capacity for doing wrong- are a part of each of us, a part of the whole. That isn't to say that we give up on being the people we want to be or that we can't determine and choose to be better than the worst of ourselves- ONLY that we must acknowledge and accept that as humans, this is part of who we are. But it doesn't stop there. We need to forgive ourselves too. And it is this forgiveness that seems to give us the most trouble. The non-forgiveness and self judgment of bad and evil within, is what keeps us separate from others, from love, from source, from spirit and allows us to separate ourselves into good and evil- different parts we can reject or accept- not a whole.
The end result is that it keeps us from believing that we are deserving of happiness, of love, of those things we need. After all, if we are capable of being bad evil people, and have done or thought bad things, why would we think that we deserve anything good? Bad and evil should earn punishment. Right? It is where we judge others from, often being unable to reconcile the fact that everyone is both good and bad- because we cannot reconcile it in ourselves.
I think the statement that we "don't have to take sides as to whether at heart we are irredeemable sinners or haloed saints" "and in holding that capacity, we are in effect both" implies a certain amount of non-forgiveness for the mere fact of being human. On the face, it sounds as if we should accept and move on, reunite the whole; but the very words suggest an inability and helplessness to change who we are and to determine our actions. We have the capacity to be both; we do not necessarily act from that capacity. "Neither capacity will ever entirely leave us" suggests to me that attempting to stay in the light is an impossible task, because we will always be "sinners". I can't accept that point of view; it places goodness and redemption outside of me and out of my hands. I am good and bad- but those "seeds" do not have to grow. It is my choice which I tend and nourish.
I think that positive thinkers and motivational authors well know that we are aware of the dark aspects of our being. It is the messages we give to ourselves that come from our childhood -black or white, good or evil perceptions our past actions and this capacity to do bad things that cause most of the problems. The counter is to say, yes I accept that I could do bad things, but I choose to not; I forgive myself for those and that capacity and choose light and non-condemnation. Accept and forgive, acknowledge and take back the whole of self without punishment- embrace the whole as one- is the key.
~~~~
I haven't perfected this forgiveness of self, but I have traveled quite a distance in putting it into effect. I believe it is a process that continues throughout life. I believe it is essential to connecting with spirit and source.
Oh and as a random thought, I do believe that evil exists in the world, that it is not purely subjective. But I think most of us are not evil or even bad- capacity and actuality are not the same thing. However that is a tangent for another time.
And it also occurs to me with some fear from one of my weaker personal areas -that the alternate title of this might be Burning Bridges; but it depends on the reception and the mood of a particular receptee..
Now onto putting out the fires of the day...
I agree with the two authors he quotes and unlike him, have found similar material time and again in the writings of various psychologists- namely that we must confront and accept fully that the dark sides, the bad things we have done or thought, the whole gamut of capacity for doing wrong- are a part of each of us, a part of the whole. That isn't to say that we give up on being the people we want to be or that we can't determine and choose to be better than the worst of ourselves- ONLY that we must acknowledge and accept that as humans, this is part of who we are. But it doesn't stop there. We need to forgive ourselves too. And it is this forgiveness that seems to give us the most trouble. The non-forgiveness and self judgment of bad and evil within, is what keeps us separate from others, from love, from source, from spirit and allows us to separate ourselves into good and evil- different parts we can reject or accept- not a whole.
The end result is that it keeps us from believing that we are deserving of happiness, of love, of those things we need. After all, if we are capable of being bad evil people, and have done or thought bad things, why would we think that we deserve anything good? Bad and evil should earn punishment. Right? It is where we judge others from, often being unable to reconcile the fact that everyone is both good and bad- because we cannot reconcile it in ourselves.
I think the statement that we "don't have to take sides as to whether at heart we are irredeemable sinners or haloed saints" "and in holding that capacity, we are in effect both" implies a certain amount of non-forgiveness for the mere fact of being human. On the face, it sounds as if we should accept and move on, reunite the whole; but the very words suggest an inability and helplessness to change who we are and to determine our actions. We have the capacity to be both; we do not necessarily act from that capacity. "Neither capacity will ever entirely leave us" suggests to me that attempting to stay in the light is an impossible task, because we will always be "sinners". I can't accept that point of view; it places goodness and redemption outside of me and out of my hands. I am good and bad- but those "seeds" do not have to grow. It is my choice which I tend and nourish.
I think that positive thinkers and motivational authors well know that we are aware of the dark aspects of our being. It is the messages we give to ourselves that come from our childhood -black or white, good or evil perceptions our past actions and this capacity to do bad things that cause most of the problems. The counter is to say, yes I accept that I could do bad things, but I choose to not; I forgive myself for those and that capacity and choose light and non-condemnation. Accept and forgive, acknowledge and take back the whole of self without punishment- embrace the whole as one- is the key.
~~~~
I haven't perfected this forgiveness of self, but I have traveled quite a distance in putting it into effect. I believe it is a process that continues throughout life. I believe it is essential to connecting with spirit and source.
Oh and as a random thought, I do believe that evil exists in the world, that it is not purely subjective. But I think most of us are not evil or even bad- capacity and actuality are not the same thing. However that is a tangent for another time.
And it also occurs to me with some fear from one of my weaker personal areas -that the alternate title of this might be Burning Bridges; but it depends on the reception and the mood of a particular receptee..
Now onto putting out the fires of the day...
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
The weather teases
The weather teases
Warm air, Santa Ana breezes.
No spring smells or flowers
Yet green hills growing greener.
I want to dance in the breeze
Spin around, abandon reason.
I want to cast off the grey clouds
Still smothering me.
Warm air, Santa Ana breezes.
No spring smells or flowers
Yet green hills growing greener.
I want to dance in the breeze
Spin around, abandon reason.
I want to cast off the grey clouds
Still smothering me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Reflective state of mind
I don't think I would trade being in my fifties to being a teenager again, though there are a few things I occasionally think about for which a "do-over" might be nice... well, only for a moment do I think it might be nice. There are opportunities I missed or turned down that might have been good, and moments of injury and pain of one sort or another that I might like to not have experienced- but would I be the same person? I think not.
I am here - in this city, in this place, in these situations and circumstances, in this mindset, and with this knowledge- because of those things which I have experienced over the course of the fifty-two years. I haven't always made the right choices, but in retrospect darned if they weren't good for me in the long run. I learned some things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. And in thinking that way, I have to accept that those things I might think of as "bad" choices or no choices where I allowed someone else to do the choosing for me- really weren't "bad" at all. I have to accept that they were necessary to become this me.
Though it does occur to me that I might like to look and feel like I am thirty-five or maybe forty again... being an appearance driven society and all. I think one of the superficial things I miss is being able to turn a few heads now and then.
;-)
I am here - in this city, in this place, in these situations and circumstances, in this mindset, and with this knowledge- because of those things which I have experienced over the course of the fifty-two years. I haven't always made the right choices, but in retrospect darned if they weren't good for me in the long run. I learned some things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. And in thinking that way, I have to accept that those things I might think of as "bad" choices or no choices where I allowed someone else to do the choosing for me- really weren't "bad" at all. I have to accept that they were necessary to become this me.
Though it does occur to me that I might like to look and feel like I am thirty-five or maybe forty again... being an appearance driven society and all. I think one of the superficial things I miss is being able to turn a few heads now and then.
;-)
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