Tuesday, December 19, 2006

one day at a time

"Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day away from being realized." ~Leo F. Buscaglia

"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles, and kindnesses, and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort" ~Humphrey Davy

Today was a good day. I thought it wasn't going to be when looking ahead during the early morning, after a night of little sleep; but reflecting on it all later, it was.

I stayed in the moment as much as possible; the hospitalized members of my family are recovering from their surgeries. The non-hospitalized members are safe. My workshop/training went well (Part 1 of Person Centered Planning; one of 3 essential workshops on that subject which must be completed before I can do certain parts of my job), and I managed not to be too distracted. I laughed, I worked, I encouraged, assisted, asked thoughtful questions, learned valuable information, kept my head in the moment. And though I have this small dark gloomy area that lingers in my mind, that too will pass.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Re-Direction (behaviorally)

"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." ~Pat Schroeder

"As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey." ~Thomas A. Edison

My sister's surgery is Tuesday morning. We have traded all the telephone numbers we can think of for everything from how to reach my son for a directed recipient emergency blood donation during his 24 hour shift (they share blood type and +Rh factor), to all the various cell phones here and in Indiana, UCLA hospital patient information line, how to reach the ICU in Indiana where my father lies recovering and still on a respirator, but conscious now. (I got to speak to him today over the telephone, even though he couldn't speak back.)

I will have to trust that my brother in law will call me from UCLA Medical Center to give updates, and that my step-mother will call from I.U. Medical Center with updates.

I will be immersing myself in work, workshops and trainings, and try not to worry.

Various wanderings- tangents- while writing:
Blood Types Tutorial

Blood Types

Rhesus Blood Group System

UCLA Jonsson Comprehensive Cancer Center

Revlon/UCLA Breast Center

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings Week 202

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Hardball :: no prisoners

  2. Sleepless :: nights;  in Seattle

  3. Graduation :: probably won't walk, though the "hooding ceremony" for Master degrees is of interest, so I might change my mind

  4. Presents :: under the tree; introduce, sponsors

  5. Toe :: ring

  6. Lotion :: hand

  7. Snicker :: 99.9% never

  8. Eve :: innocence; the night before...

  9. Investment :: future return; decisions

  10. Pain :: in the tuchis
Want to play? Weekly word list can be found at Unconscious Mutterings

Thursday, December 14, 2006


December Sunrise

May dawn's golden touch
awaken my heart.

May the gentle beauty of each season
embrace me.

May night's silver moon
cast a pathway in darkness,

And may the voice of the wind
sing in my silence.

~Theresa Mary Grass
from pocket Prayers collected by June Cotner

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings Week 201

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Research :: study

  2. Chuck :: e-Cheese

  3. Insert :: tab b into slot b

  4. Bang :: loud

  5. Lousy :: feeling

  6. Rehearsal :: stage

  7. Critics :: often wrong

  8. Memory :: slips away

  9. Squid :: yuck

  10. Remove :: paint
Weekly word list found at Unconscious Mutterings.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

"The Morning Arrives"

The morning arrives
And the song of a bird comes undone.
I imagine for the first time in my life
That its wings
Are my own

~Corrine De Winter

From "pocket PRAYERS" collected by June Cotner

I find myself with lots of places containing inspiration... but too many moments when I can't or won't share my own words. I don't like losing balance. I think maybe I need to learn to deal with it, accept it as part of the whole, instead of lamenting its loss, and scrambling not to let anyone really see.

Oh.. and the poem/prayer above was chosen simply because I like it. I have let myself try to soar with birds, and the wind... I can close my eyes and sometimes for a moment, I am free of the earth ties... the sky, home.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Living in my head

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."
~Carl Jung

I don't consciously know what to say after such a silence, yet there are so many words that flitter, fall, crash and break against the walls of my head. So I will start this with no idea of where it will lead. I need an outlet and I should get back to being here regularly. I'm living inside my head a lot these days, in all the non-work moments. I'm reaching out now, I think.. being less than strong, in spaces where only folks who do not see me F2F and know me only a little and a few strangers, will notice. I've long ago judged this a failing of mine, this needing to always be and appear strong and capable; to be in control of self, if of nothing else.

I really, really like my new job. I may have found another home. I can see where there is the potential for many different days full of difficulty, but I project there will be a continued sense of having made minute, tiny, positive differences in the flow of things/life overall.

My perception of life right now still consists of wonderful highs, positive moments and direction for self followed by chaos, grief and sadness connected to the lives around me.

My father, who is in Indiana, is in surgery today- for esophageal cancer. They are removing his esophagus, reconstructing, replacing, doing what they can do to affect those horrible statistics....

This was sudden. I learned about the cancer last weekend. I learned that his hastily scheduled surgery (for emergency reasons) would be today, only last night. I am processing the waves of feelings that go in all directions, that crash around me, that one moment are distant as if it were someone else, in some other place, and in the next in my face, spilling down my cheeks, wringing my hands.

My sister's surgery is scheduled for December 19 and she has transferred to doctors up here at Revlon/UCLA Breast Center. Her surgery will also not be simple nor is the cancer confined to her breasts...

And I am alternately annoyed with everyone in my family (one of those grief stages perhaps?) for dishing out news in dribbles and pieces instead of telling me everything all at once. I process whatever it is, and then am told it is not just that but also something else and yes, they knew before, but didn't want to alarm me all at once. And then a little later they say 'well, I didn't want to tell you, but it is also this, too'... and I am left wondering what other 'too' thing will pop up in the next conversation.. and looking for numbness, distance. I know I need to continue to figure out what to do to support everyone, and in most moments despite my limitations to only by telephone for now, I think I am doing a fair job.

But always I wish I could say, puulllllueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase stop doling out bad news in tiny dribbles; it drives me crazy..... but I don't say it. I wander around in my head, watching me examining my reactions. Hopefully I am punctuating this correctly to explain --- me watching me, watching me.. I've picked up a second watcher somehow in all this chaos of family illnesses.

Speaking of family illness, I didn't previously mention that we had to take my husband to the emergency room with chest pain the day after Thanksgiving. He's fine now, it was just some angina which hasn't troubled him in a long time. Even with his history of heart attacks and trouble though, it was completely unexpected and a scare.

Did I tell you I really like my new job, how busy it is, along with so many things to learn, but how easy it is to mostly stay focused and in the moment... and how satisfied I feel at the end of the work day as I'm leaving?