Wednesday, May 17, 2006

change ahead no matter what

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." ~Arnold Bennett (possibly the How to Live on 24 hours a Day author)

We are back to hunting for a new home. We've hit a wall with the negotiations and frankly this place needs a great deal of work (not just cosmetic work). We would be much better off at our ages, to purchase something that we can put finishing touches upon, instead of spending so much money and time repairing and upgrading this place.

I am still stressing out a bit; all this house-moving stuff, finding a new job or a large raise, wondering if I haven't cut myself off from ever working for the community colleges by going this direction.... wondering if I passed the exams...

I've got to put all those things in their little compartments now, and head off to work.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Home buying humor

Hapless Home Buyers Guide

These two especially struck a chord...
"3. Calculate what you can afford to pay. Promise yourselves not to exceed it by thirty grand."
"5. Meet with highly touted broker. Wonder if he ever sold used cars."

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings Week 171

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Immune :: system

  2. Together :: again

  3. Blank :: expression

  4. Professional :: license

  5. Thousand :: yard stare

  6. Penetration :: depth

  7. Shutter :: the windows

  8. Upside down :: and inside out

  9. Neck :: bone connected to the head bone...

  10. Unlisted :: number
Weekly word list at Unconscious Mutterings

Saturday, May 13, 2006

An endurance test

It was an endurance run as much as a test of knowledge in my head. Most everyone who sat for both exams (core and option) said they were exhausted when it was over.
I think I'll put my feet up and relax now... maybe look at the television without seeing and doze off.

Do you want to know how I think I did?

I am not sure. After finishing the morning session (counseling core), I felt rather optimistic. I am pretty sure I passed it.... But this afternoon, not only were there multiple choice questions, but I was required to write two essays (choose one topic from two choices in section A, and choose one topic from two choices in section B). At the end of the day, after pulling everything possible out of my head, I wasn't a very effective writer. I don't know that I did well on the multiple choice either.

I will know the results in two weeks. Either I passed and I have earned my degree (only one elective to finish to complete the number of credits needed) or I will need to retake one or both exams in November.. Either way, I don't imagine I have finished the bulk of my education.

"There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning."
~Jiddu Krishnamurti

The teachings of Jiddu Krishnamurti

Monday, May 08, 2006

remember to breathe

"Rule 1. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Rule 2. It's all small stuff.

Rule 3. If you can't fight or flee, then flow."
- unknown

After some looking at everything that might be suitable in the area, we concluded that there is "no place like home". So with my sister's help (she is a realtor), we made an offer contingent on all sorts of things like inspections, appraisals, certain kinds of repairs and so on. I am out of my depth with the legalese and proper forms and wondering what I have forgotten. She is going to handle it for us as our agent and will make sure we aren't taken for a ride and that all the t's are crossed and the i's dotted.

I am absolutely freaking out with the stress of everything. Well, sort of.. there is the outward part of me that is frequently distracted and forgetful, sometimes unable to sit still, and often unable to focus, the me who is breathing rapid and shallowly until I catch myself doing it... and there is the part that finds the me that is freaking out- a curiosity to be detachedly examined.

Four days left to study for comprehensive exams.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings Week 170

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Represent :: advocate

  2. Mumbling :: and wandering in circles

  3. Meetup :: common interests

  4. Tantalizing :: tempted

  5. Fake :: people

  6. Dale :: hill and

  7. Deny :: moderation probably suits me better most of the time

  8. Calories :: should pay more attention

  9. Roll :: over Beethoven

  10. 44 :: 00
Weekly word list found at Unconscious Mutterings

Friday, May 05, 2006

the attraction of needs

"Plant the seed of desire in your mind and it forms a nucleus with power to attract to itself everything needed for its fulfillment." ~Robert Collier

While I believe that to be true for some things, I mostly understood that sort of thought from the point of view that we make millions of minute by minute decisions based on the things we have decided we need, deserve and can achieve, that we perceive things based on our personal frame of reference (and all that entails), and that those two things give rise to the appearance of attraction (from a physics perspective). (oh, how very adult and logical that is, says the cool and calm voice inside; the one that requires touchable, hold it in my hand, see it with my eyes- proof; and how neglectful of all things Jungian and synchronistic.. or even Eastern.)

But why should that be so???? If every particle attracts every other particle (no matter with what force) and if everything is connected (because a part of me truly believes that is so, even as I question the depth), why wouldn't desire and thought be enough to create some sort of change in attraction? Because some part of me believes that it would be too magical for desire and belief to result in the concrete-actual-physical attraction of the needed things to self. (dangerous ground combining a monumentally insufficient knowledge of physics and systems theory, with the ecological, philosophical and spiritual- where I also have monumentally insufficient knowledge)

Yet, if we can but just find a place in our area quickly enough (that's likely the catch!), even at the outrageous price range that homes have become, magically we have the necessary funds to become owners with a more than adequate amount of equity. And in a flash instead of needing to move, we are deciding to move (or hoping we can do it quickly enough) because we don't want to purchase a fixer-upper (which defines this place). It seems like terribly frivolous behavior after all the previous fears.

Still facing my comprehensive exams (May 13) and thinking about scrambling to find a place, all that packing and lifting and sorting... and the "dues" necessary to seek the employment that would give me the most satisfaction (versus the the reasonably satisfying job I can seek right now) and the timing and location of each of those --- the road ahead isn't necessarily smooth... not yet anyway... or maybe never... (pessimist, pessimist, pessimist- a tiny voice in my head cries!! where did you surface from??)

Taking note of the above and wandering off on another tangent, or trip through the neurons, dendrites, and axons filling my brain, it is odd, but my normally very pessimistic spouse has been the cautiously optimistic one this time, while I have been internally full of panic and pessimism (only expressed a bit here) and outwardly trying to break things into one step at a time. Strange that first bit and possibly worth some examination, though the second seems a familiar trait- outwardly trying to cope and control.

The weight on my shoulders and heart lifts a tiny bit....

Monday, May 01, 2006

small manageable tasks

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."~Mark Twain

Small manageable tasks and starting on the first one... Well, yes; that's what I think I am doing. Or well, starting on several with as much as I can do for one small part of one and then on to the next to do as much on one small part as can be done and on to the next to....

I don't care about getting ahead; but something is screaming inside about not falling off the cliff, or not letting everything crash to the ground, or being so close to the finish line and not letting it all fall apart... or pick your own analogy.

I delegated all the tasks I could.. husband talking to various folks-- repair/handiperson (estimates on the needed repairs in the thought to make a bid on this place) with my list of what's falling apart in hand, realtor (funny word that; and not spelled as I thought it should) to handle making the bid or maybe finding something else, loan specialist to see if any of it is feasible (only he wants me to talk to that guy later, because he thinks I will understand more about loans and creative financing). He is packing his things, garage things, going through all the excess accumulation from the years here.

I've been combing ads and things like Craigslist for other rentals; contacted Los Angeles Housing people about the time we are supposed to be allowed for finding a new place (120 days seems to be what every written thing says, but my landlord is ignoring that), as well as if there is relocation assistance or not..

Along with all that, I study for comprehensive exams, work on this quarter's classes, fret, pack, work with clients, stress out (did I say that already?), try to do some preliminary work for a study I think I want to do for my last elective needed for the degree.

Under control? No. Handled sort of for the moment? Yes, I think so.. until tomorrow.

I'm not feeling negative exactly -and I mostly think if there is time enough, it is all do-able and everything can work out.. but there is a sort of panic that rises in fits and starts and troubles my sleep.